On the matter of punishment of a submissive, and particularly as it relates to online D/s lifestyle this is best administered and evidenced within the confines of the technical medium available – that is, IM, email, voice(pc), video cam, digital camera.
It is accepted that punishment is administered only in concern for the sub. and her development The Dom demands only the best from her and that Dom will never punish in anger or on a whim.
Behaviour modification can be achieved through positive or negative reinforcement. That reinforcement can come in physical, mental or emotional punishments and/or rewards.
That a sub should always know what he/she is being punished for and any punishment should relate to the transgression and include a discussion of what was done, why it was wrong and how to avoid it in the future. In this way, the opportunity to learn from the experience is not lost.
Punishment will also not be overly harsh or extreme in relation to the transgression.
Punishment is the consequence of doing something that breaks a rule or set of rules which have been clearly outlined and understood.
Punishment is not only physical. Often, non-physical punishments are the most effective and are of course, most suitable for o/line discipline
Discipline is the application of sanctions and rewards to change or maintain a certain behaviour.The following suggestions are offered for consideration:
1) Written Assignments to be submitted by email:
- The keeping of a daily journal for a specified period of time describing pet’s thoughts and feelings about her service to You and how she may improve her service to You.
- Being sent away for enough time to do a specified written punishment or something similar. Especially if the written assignment was on a training and discipline issue and options to correct.
- Required publication of apology, or outline of transgression and punishment on internet/blog
2) Punishments Evidenced by Video Cam:
Most of these offer the opportunity for the submissive to reflect upon the rule and the transgression and how to avoid further transgressions.
- Standing in a corner or in a closet.
- Clothed or nude, made to stand quietly for a specified time period before You.
- Holding an object against a wall with the nose (eg”ping pong ball, coin, etc)
- Holding hands out in front of body…palms down with a heavy book balanced on the back of the hands, or holding a heavy object (eg: a dumbbell) in each hand, or coins between each finger.
- Imposition of present Positions.
- Attaching a leash to the collar
- Placed in physically difficult or embarrassing positions
- Dancing/striptease
- Application of nipple clamps
Humiliation:
One of the most delicate practices of the BDSM community is the art form of directed, controlled, wilful and consensual humiliation. Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt or impropriety.
The Dominant walks a fine line of reinforcing the strong positive mental health and imagery that the submissive female needs to be happy and healthy while overtly violating or forcing this same female to experience taboo language, dress, behaviour and responses. Learning the nuances of your submissive female is crucial here.
Some punishments may include:
- Bathroom use control over a specified time period whereby the sub requests permission to use the bathroom via im, voice or email.
- Beg for food, drinks via im, voice or email
- Orgasm denial
- Speech restriction
- Verbal Abuse/ Curse words (Whore, Slut, Worthless, etc.)
- Forced shopping for sex toys
- Dom selecting clothing, hairstyles that do not suit sub.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Online D/s: Discipline and Punishment. Ways and Differences
Missing in Action: Online Dominants
- Cyber Doms ... Did You Forget Something?
- MISSING IN ACTION
CYBER DOMS
Ahem *coughs delicately* ... there seems to be a surfeit of collared submissives in Lit. A number of Masters appear to have either gone AWOL or Missing In Action ... or should that be Missing INACTION ....
Gentleman please check Your belongings, some of You appear to have left something behind ... and i ain't talking an umbrella!!
Now in order to get Your collar around her neck and to enjoy the associated deep level of trust and commitment from her, O/one assumes that You presented Youself to Your unfortunate submissive as something other than a player or a complete ego-centric masturbatory focussed whining weiner.
i'm not going to give the lecture on the Responsibilities of a Dominant. i will not remind You that YOU choose to seek a power exchange and to be responsible for her. Neither do i propose to remind You of the amount of trust required to progress a relationship to this level. If You have Your collar around the neck of a submissive it is Your job to know this information.
So here's the thing ..... *tilts head ... raises eyebrow and peers at You* ... if You have omitted to advise Your submissive that things have changed for You in some way and that You are walking away ... please let her know immediately. Because right now You may well have left her collared to You ... oops!
... and at this point there are several submissives left in limbo, abandoned, deserted by their Master's and they need to be released immediately... because, believe it or not 'gentlemen' submissives are real people!! ..
*OMAL!!!!... REALLY i hear You say...!..
*Nods... eyes wide**... i know.. astonishing isn't it???!!!!!
submissives are NOT words on a screen, cardboard cut-outs or a commercial service to feed Your masturbatory needs ...and it is quite improper and, perhaps even, rude, dishonest and ungentlemanly to leave them propped in a cupboard while You flap off like a magpie to follow the next shiny thing that takes Your attention.
So, if You have abandoned a collared sub and You have avoided the issue ... it's time to pull up Your tighty whities, suck it up and do the right thing ... talk to her, and release her.
Oh ... and if you're too yellow-backed to talk to her .... *smiles slooooowly* ... you may want to consider finding another place to play .... because no-one likes a dishonourable weiner... *smiles softly***
* BTW.. the submissives to which i refer have taken the time to progress the D/s relationship in a steady manner. All had negotiation and consideration periods and did all things possible to approach D/s with careful consideration. None of the ones to which i refer are members of the collar is the 'new black' brigade.
Please note, i do not regard the 'velcro collar' as anything other than a prop and it is NOT velcro that is the subject of this post.
Tags: d/sonline:cyberdoms1 | Edit Tags
Comments
(18 total) Post a CommentNow..now raven. It is a two way street. Those same subs need to take responsibility for jumping to a collar, without bothering to find out if said dom was the real deal. Some girls think a collar makes them special, so they gladly (or is that greedily) accept it, and have no idea what they are getting themselves into. But, what the hell!! They got a collar!!
The other night i was sitting in chat, and a *coughs* sub came in, looking for her Master, she didn't know his name. Only that he was from the UK and they had chatted on yahoo. *Giggles* Something tells me that relationship may be in a bit of trouble!!
In other words raven dear, I/idiots come from both side of the collar.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 03:00am (PST) Remove Comment
- fìrëì…
Offline
*stands behind my sis and backs her up 100% on this one because i feel the same way*...thank you blonde for putting this out there and sharing it! *wags my finger at the bad boys*....no one likes a dshonourable weiner nor a selfish bastard! we are not doormats for you to wipe your feet on! get a grip...wake up and smell the coffee! *insert many expletives here* and sisters? one doesn't need permission to take that collar off if one is abandoned...so let it rip girls! start living again! have fun! it's YOUR journey! your life!
Friday December 29, 2006 - 06:01am (EST) Remove Comment
- fìrëì…
*nods in agreement with teddy sis*...takes 2 to tango girl! good point! good point! *smiles at T/them*
Friday December 29, 2006 - 06:02am (EST) Remove Comment
- Aragorn
Given that Blonde, like Myself is a long standing member of the lifestyle in r/l, I don't believe that this blog is about the 'velcro' brigade that seem to exist o/l but is in fact about collars. To exchange a real collar I would suggest that these subs have done their homework in attempting to suss out the prospective Dom but given that the only access W/we have o/l is generally an email address, a 360 page and in a smaller number of cases a phone number ( either land or mobile) then this can be fraught with challenges. It is far easier to pretend to be something Y/your are, or Y/your not, o/l than in r/l so the collaring process becomes more difficult.
I commend Blonde for this strong blog and suggest that the Doms she is talking about take a long look at Themselves and develop Their honesty
Friday December 29, 2006 - 10:28pm (EST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
Thank you for reminding me to clarify that this post does not refer to role players teddy, fire and Aragorn ..*smiles*. Unless stated otherwise i generally tend to refer to those D/s relationships that have been approached with due consideration, discussion and negotiation periods and this is certainly the case with the submissives to whom this post refers. It is difficult to see what else these women could do in addition to taking all due consideration.
Role play collars and role players are to my mind, not in the same category as those referred to in this post.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 10:28pm (EST) Remove Comment
- fìrëì…
*brushes back her beautiful, long silky hair and whispers in her ear softly*...goddddd woman..purrs...how lucky you are to have such a Friend in Aragorn Sir...everywhere i see His posts, i learn something...either within His message or how He presents Himself... you are truly blessed sis! i enjoyed reading this and learning something...*feels the burn* ahhhhhhh it's all about learning and growing in this lifestyle whoooo hooooooo gosh i love that part the best! =) *bows in respect to Aragorn Sir and hugs my sis tight*...ty for your comment to my blog girl...hope you have a wonderful day! i'm off to work! enjoyed the morning with you through your blog hon...be well and blessed be! xox
Friday December 29, 2006 - 07:24am (EST) Remove Comment
- ஜღcat…
kudos on the subject matter sister, same applies to 360ville. far to often i see slaves and subs played. but as pointed out it does take two to tango. for shame though on those players.
have a wonderful weekend sister .. hugs n kisses ..
Friday December 29, 2006 - 08:10am (CST) Remove Comment
Hmmm I don't think if these Doms whoever they are, aren't contacting their subs they really not going to give a second thought to a blog intending to humilate them into doing something.
I have to wonder are there not lines of communication that the submissive's have to contact them? Is the relationship so fragile that they don't ask for and expect more than one way to communicate with them?
I say you post a "sub law" that within a certain amount of time if the Dom has not communicated back to a sub the sub can release themselfs. I don't see why they should have to play by someone elses rules especially if they aren't around to make sure they are being followed.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 06:18am (PST) Remove Comment
smile* thank you blonde for the post. i'll withhold comment right now. 11 days and counting.. laugh* what's this one to do? looks around for my big girl panties.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 09:45am (EST) Remove Comment
- ~bekk…
*hugggggggggggggs you, twirls you, dips you, and tweeks your cute little nose* thanks you blondesis for taking such a strong stance on this very topic.
i want to publically thank you (and fireysis) for everything the both of you did for me a couple of weeks ago ~ yes F/folks, even though this little one was NOT ~ repeat NOT ~ collared, she was abandonded by someOne she "thought" was Dom, but turned out to be just another player amongst the many MANY pseudo doms that are running around Lit at the very moment.
i know that i am taking a huge risk by "outing" myself as one of the "abandonded little ones", but i feel it is important that E/everyone know the hurt, pain, and suffering that happened to me by the one that calls himself "master ice"... this little one went through the "old school" process of getting to know him outside of lit, sharing many MANY wonderful moments, and then agreed to take his name as part of the "negotiation" process...
i communicated with him constantly (via email, IMs, and text messages), and always kept him abreast of any situation that i was in. i did everything in accordance to his instructions that we had agreed to, and got fucked over (in every sense of the word) by him... he never EVER returned any of my emails and IMs, and only returned my text messages (and subsequent IM messages) after i mentioned the words "sub-drop and sub-zone")... and when he did this, he was very VERY cold as ice, and didn't give one shit about me and what i was going thru. it was at this very moment that i realized that i had been played for a fool...
ladies, if any of you run into him (notice i am not capitalizing his nic or anything to do with him), run VERY VERY far away from him... he is nothing but a player who preys on true submissive sisters...
i really REALLY wish that us sisters had a website/360 page to list all of the Doms who are players so that other sisters had a resource to go to if they have any questions about someone that they are talking to...
Friday December 29, 2006 - 09:46am (EST) Remove Comment
*looks at bekka* and gives her a huggg... sometimes you can do everything that is expected of you and still not make someone happy. I think wheather old school, new school or just your own school common sense has to prevail and good for you it did before the hurt got any larger.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 07:21am (PST) Remove Comment
- Kate
hugggs and commendations on a well written thoughtful piece sister. i agree heartily with all the points written, from all sides of the debate , but i too have noted that even with due precautions taken people are taken advantage of, vulnerable, intellegent, sensible people. Thank you for bringing this up, however i don't think Those you speak of will care quite frankly, they will probably adopt a new nic and move on to the next one.
Friday December 29, 2006 - 04:01pm (GMT) Remove Comment
- Rough…
Thank you blonde, as always you bring up truly important issues.
The responsibility to capture one's mind and soul cannot be held by the unresponsible. How does one distinguish? I'm not sure one always can, and those thoughts are already reflected in the postings above.
One recommendatio though - try to find a Dom friend/mentor whom you would pre-negotiate the Aplatonic nature of the relationship and listen carefullu to what person's onservations. He might see things you din't notice or chose to ignore.
And bekka dear...don't beat yoursefl up bit checking if you did every thing "right" this ice dude has to be a jerk, on second thought..ice hmmm, must say something
Friday December 29, 2006 - 09:46am (PST) Remove Comment
- Scare…
You know my feelings on this issue. I have seen this situation many times before. I have also seen "subs" wear an imagined collar then lament that their non-existant "Master is never around but this one waits patiently for Him because I am such a good little subbie." They became just added to the experiences that fed my cynicism. Aragorn, Heartless, and teddy all have made good points here - the coin has many sides.
As for you blonde, another very well written blog! *smiles*
Saturday December 30, 2006 - 06:47am (EST) Remove Comment
- whims…
well written i shall add dishonorable weiner and magpie to my Dom dictionary
Friday December 29, 2006 - 11:58am (PST) Remove Comment
- noxious
re teddy's comment.
Can't be as bad the "sub" I made cry the other by pointing out she was a fake sub cos a real sub with a Master doesn't advertise for a Domme in her profile, doesn't hit on and fuck IN THE ROOM anything with a cyber penis and then turn around and say she can do what she likes cos her "Master" is in a different time zone and isn't there "patrolling" her. I also pointed out he must be a shit Master if his training has only made her a slut.
Silly child!
As for the other comments people have made, I understand where the real lifer D/s-ers are coming from, but its unfair to judge the onliners as just a game.
True, to many it is just a kinky role playing game "Me Master, you sub" but to the ones behind this blog, it was more. As raven's disclaimer at the end points out, they did go through extensive talks and soul searchings before making the step and commitment.
Its heartnumbing and scary when anyone disappears and leaves just an empty silence, whether they are a Dom, sub, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner or friend.
Saturday December 30, 2006 - 10:55am (NZDT) Remove Comment
- Capt.…
:: grins wickedly :: blonde... you're such a trouble maker. How dare you bring truth to the masses?
Saturday December 30, 2006 - 01:02pm (CST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
wicked, naughty blonde...um-ah....my bad...*slaps wrist*
Sunday December 31, 2006 - 12:03pm (EST) Remove Comment
Online D/s: Fantasy, Myth and Reality
- Online D/s: Fantasy, Myth and Reality
-
I have reproduced the article below from a site I particularly enjoy, A Different Loving's Submissive Women Speak. Although not agreeing with all opinions in the article it does raise some issues that I do consider essential for consideration.
In prefacing my own opinions, it is perhaps useful to understand a little of the origins of my opinions. I come from 20+ years of r/l collaring. So my worldview is based in the main on that experience. I have never know what is fondly termed a 'vanilla' relationship, not do I ever expect to. I also specialised at post-grad university level in clinical sex therapy and spent three years conducting evening clinics at [my] university; my specialty area paraphilia's, and in particular BDSM and D/s.
Recently I have been exposed to the online world. This has been alternatively an enjoyable, interesting, amusing, exasperating and distressing experience.
There are clearly r/l D/s people online, there are also people exploring this particular paraphilia in a relatively safe environment as well as those to whom D/s and BDSM is an occasional but enjoyable kink within which to immerse themselves for varying lengths of time.
The problem for people who are genuinely interested in pursuing the lifestyle is trying to sort the wheat from the chaff.
We all know of the submissive who flutters her silks and glistens in the light of the fire, gushing thank you Master and falling at His feet at every opportunity, and we know of so-called Doms who wander into rooms bellowing a demand for a slave or sub for a day (oh puhleeze..*rolls eyes*).
Then there are those who are submissive and or/dominant only with a particular on-line partner and to whom D/s is a game played online with a specific other (not a bad thing as long as both know that there are other nics, partners and games engaged in).
The ones that provide the greatest source of amusement are the doms who seemingly trot through chat sites with an armful of collars (presumably purchased wholesale) desperately seeking subs or slaves... ahem.. *coughs delicately* ... getting to know people first, undertaking negotiations, clarifying expectations and being up-front and honest about real life experience as a Dom is a better start! On the subs part, questions will be put to the prospective Dom that will require answers.. clear, comprehensive answers. Then, once the sub has decided that the Dom is right for him/her a petition will be made and negotiations commence. This is rarely a love match in the beginning, so an element of pragmatism is always useful at this point.
Then there are the roleplayers who do not read the profiles or to whom the terms r/l sub or r/l Dom are meaningless because of sheer ignorance (these poor petals have probably just left an S&M porn site and feel like a bit of free cyber). A word to the wise.. Lit is not a pay site filled with sex industry professionals that exist for your masturbatory fulfillment , there are plenty of pay cyber and phone sex sites that will provide the service required!
The most insidious though are those who have learnt the terminology and can talk the talk, talk a good game..but who would not have the first clue about how to walk the walk. They have never taken full responsibility for another and consider D/s to be an occasional sexual tittilation. ..and it is these who do the most damage with their ignorance and half-baked ideas and flimsy concepts. These people lead on the other as they would another role player and this is cruel when the other is engaged in the relationship in good faith. These imbecilic charlatans cause pain and hostility and to my mind, deserve every bit of criticism they attract. I am currently aware of three such cases and the damage the charlatans have done to the 'in-good-faith' Doms and subs with their stupid, ignorant and self-aggrandizing games is reprehensible.
The following article " Qualities of a Successful Dominant" by Peachum is interesting and in particular discusses some of the difficulties in transferring an online D/s relationship into real life. I do hope you enjoy it....
Qualities of A Successful Dominant
"The Problems Started After I Moved In"
When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation.
Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.
Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.
Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography. Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it's very easy to learn what these are--you know, inanities like "safe, sane, and consensual" and "the best tops started out as bottoms"--and then rattle them off like a parrot) you'll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) "loving" dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It's incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance. It's so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this "act," they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such "dominants" begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they've never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.
Such a superdork, er--excuse me--superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.
Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you.
Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.
To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant's part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.
As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)--even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive -- requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one's submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship. Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties --at first--with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It's not a matter of being "submissive enough." It's entirely a matter of training and experience.
The most willing and compliant submissive isn't born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master's needs first. Nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.
The early "hell" years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who's actually "grown up" and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else's life. When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for "forcing" her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it's awfully hard if you've had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But "getting back" at a resistant or upset submissive who's wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power. Your submissive learns that you can't control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you're really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child.Courtesy of MsTags.com
As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.
There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.
Next article/..Minimum Requirements of A Dominant Comments
(7 total) Post a CommentActually I like that site too. Submissive loving? Interesting views
Monday November 13, 2006 - 09:30pm (PST) Remove Comment
- Scare…
Awesome, blonde. An excellent article! Very timely too. I liked your comments and I really can relate. Thank you for posting this.
Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 04:37pm (EST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
ty for Your feedback Sirs..*smiles*
Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 05:43pm (EST) Remove Comment
I didn't see your credit to the site. Of course I have seen the same articles on different sites before so nothing new. And of course your welcome.
Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 05:32am (PST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
credit at the bottom of each page and in the first paragraph of the first article *smiles*
Wednesday November 15, 2006 - 02:07am (EST) Remove Comment
I noticed when reading back over your latest post. It's at a couple of places as I had remembered reading it over at www.submissiveloving.com . Thanks
Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 10:18am (PST) Remove Comment
- ~bekk…
great article blonde... thanks for sharing it with us! hugs...
Wednesday November 22, 2006 - 08:25am (EST) Remove Comment
article from: www.submissivewomenspeak.net
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