Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bdsm. Show all posts

Sunday, June 21, 2009

sub-zone Aftercare: The A-E for Online Doms and subs!(repost)


171 magnify
IMPORTANT:
sub-zone Aftercare for Doms and subs!

WOW....*grins*...there's a few good zones happening out there... that's GREAT! On a more serious not though, there are also a few drops and crashes happening ...and this would be a bad thing ...

REPEAT AFTER me....

..." A BAD THING" ...

There is almost inevitably a crash or drop at some point, for one of two main reasons:

1) The Dom is unsure of the length of time He needs to provide aftercare

2) The sub hasn't advised Him of what is happening.

For example:

" wow.... talk about timing... i had a particularly intense subspace this past week with Sir.... and i have been "suffering" (emotional, withdrawn, confused, floating) for DAYS since....thank you for posting this... it has helped me immensely in understanding what the hell has been going on with me... *smiles*" (from 'c')



*smiles*.. thanks for posting this c... it brings me nicely to the next stage... Aftercare:

1) Lots of gentle stroking and praise will help to bring the sub down gently (the magic words.... ' you did so well... good girl ... beautiful girl... Master is so proud of you....' and of course anything relating to 'love' ... works very very well)

2) Please note.. the more intense the experience the longer it may take for the chemicals to re-balance .. *ahem*.... like DAYS!!!!!! ... Sooooo.. an hour of cuddling just ain't gonna cut it! Be prepared for the 'long haul' Doms!

3) subs ... track what is going on ... and CALL HIM if He is not in the house ...LET HIM KNOW ... a phone call; His voice will get you through each phase. Do NOT be a martyr ... remember He took you there, it's His responsibility to get you back safely!

4) Doms ... talk over the experience .. " have her close her eyes.. and SOFTLY in 'that Dom voice' .. walk her through..the experience .. let her know all that transpired and how she did .. walk her through it and let her know at each step of it how she responded, how she made Him feel .... This is what you (the sub) did.. this is how you (the sub) made ME feel! In short.. this is how intense MY feeling were for you (the sub); this is how you pleasured ME! How powerful it made ME feel "

5) Doms ...it takes time for the chemicals to balance again.. especially after a very intense experience. You need to instruct Your sub to contact You the moment she feels tense, jittery, anxious, depressed or frightened or just generally 'over-emotional'.. remember, this may be even up to a couple of days after the experience. Physical presence, touch and voice are essential.

6) Doms ... contact for regular 'check ups' on her. If at work.. a phone call to her is very, very helpful. Instructions and directions are very helpful to refocus and redirect her.. eg: talk her through it and reaffirm again..perhaps instruct her in small tasks.. ' when you get off the phone I want you to make a cup of tea ... get your blanky' etc. Instruct her in small services for You (the latter also helps the Dom to avoid 'Dom drop'.)

7) Physical reassurance.. ok now this may sound silly.. but a 'special' soft polar fleece throw rug or baby blanket scented with His aftershave or soap is invaluable. Think of it like a 'woobie' or safety blanket. It is the blanket that HE uses to wrap her in when His physical presence is not there... associated only with T/their time together and for her comfort and reassurance..*lol*... not just any old blanky will do .. this is the SPECIAL BLANKY! (*see pic above for my "Aragorn blanky*) if i am travelling interstate or overseas.. the blanky (*woobie) comes with me.

For online... Doms: Here is the ABCDE

a) Aftercare: send Your sub something soft and plush or fleecy (eg: throw rug or teddy bear).. sprayed with Your aftershave or washed with Your shampoo..

b)Blanky or bear MUST be fully dried before posting to her!!

c) Check she has it close when talking to You over phone or im.

d) Don't leave her until she is settled. ............. AND........

e) Ensure that she has wrapped herself in it toward the end of the communication


8) TALK... COMMUNICATE ... STAY CLOSE ...BE OPEN AND SHARE WHAT IS HAPPENING.

i hope this helps in some small way.

Every couple will develop T/their own 'rituals' .

Perhaps some of Y/you will share Y/yours?



Tags: subzone:aftercare#2 | Edit Tags

Friday September 28, 2007 - 11:25am (EST) Edit | Delete

Next Post: The Phone Call Previous Post: Something About Tuesday and Tunes?...

Comments

(5 total) Post a Comment

Thank you. Wish everyone who calls themselves dominant, and seeks to own another would read this. Can't count the ones who thought it took too long for me to regain myself after a particularly deep encounter.

Thursday September 27, 2007 - 07:32pm (MDT) Remove Comment

great blog raven as always hugggs ya

Thursday September 27, 2007 - 09:38pm (EDT) Remove Comment

thanks for reposting, sis... i am going to make sure that the next time i have "private time" with a Sir, He reads this ~ even if He is an experienced Sir... *cheshire cat grin to one of my favorite sisters, along with a huge hugggggggggg, smooooooochies on her cheek, many twirls and dips, and of course tweaks on her cute lil nose*

Thursday September 27, 2007 - 09:45pm (EDT) Remove Comment

Bah. I still say toss her a box of cookies and tell her to "walk it off".

Friday September 28, 2007 - 12:28am (CDT) Remove Comment

if They only knew that sometimes if You drop her...there is no picking her back up again...nice post, oh gorgeous one...xo

Saturday September 29, 2007 - 08:10am (PDT)
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , ,

On Topping, Bottoming & Scening


188 magnify
On " Topping, Bottoming & Scening,"

I take this phrase from a self-professed dom's (spd) blog:

"If you have to proclaim to the world, either verbally, physically or in written word that you are something, chances are you're probably not that something".
I have read sfpd's blogs from beginning to end and after careful analysis of the material and proclamations contained there, i tend to agree with his sentiment. I guess it's hard to sneak a sub past the Missus or your Mum ....but I digress. One thing that really struck me in reading spd's blog was the terminology used to describe the D/s relationship. There are three particular terms he uses that stand out like a dog's proverbial.

Topping
Bottoming; and
Scening
Some of Y/you may have noticed that these words rarely if ever make it onto these pages. i would like to provide some background to how i perceive these terms and why i do not believe they have any relevance in a 24/7, D/s relationship which incorpates physical, psychological, emotional and spitiual exchange between two people on a mid to long term basis. i stress, this is purely my opinion, but i do note it is shared by many fellow Australians in D/s relationships/households.

It is important to note that these three terms and their origins are association with the 'Old Guard' Leathermen sub-culture or 'scene' (insert peace sign here, man) which emerged in the late 1950's-60's in the USA. So, in real terms this Leather scene and it's terminology and BDSM rituals are a relatively recent and culturally specific contemporary pop-culture phenomenon that originated in the mid- 20th century ... quite some time after early European, Middle Eastern, Asian and African writings and artistic renditions of the world of slaves and Master's, punishments and tortures and fetishes.

Below are some definitions and context of the three terms.

TOPPING:

In BDSM a top is a partner who takes the active, dominant role in sexual play. The top performs acts such as these upon the bottom.

A top filling the dominant role is not necessarily a dominant, and vice versa. The top may sometimes even be the partner who is following instructions, i.e., he tops when, and in the manner, requested by the bottom. A person who applies sensation or control to a bottom, but does so to the bottom's explicit instruction is a service top.


BOTTOMING:

In the terms of BDSM scenes or interactions, a bottom refers to the person who takes on the submissive role for the duration of a scene. This term is associated with being on the receiving end of bondage, discipline, and sadism. (Note: this term has significant connotative differences from submissive or slave.) They may be involved in such acts as bondage, flagellation, humiliation or servitude from the top.

The term originates from a more general use of the word, especially among the gay male community, to mean receptive partner.

A bottom is not necessarily submissive, and vice versa. At one end of the continuum is a submissive who enjoys taking orders from a dominant but does not receive any physical stimulation. At the other is a bottom who enjoys the intense physical and psychological stimulation but does not submit to the person delivering them

In a D/s relationship there are no intermittently prescribed 'roles', there is no 'game' there are no 'acts' ... the D/s relationship is life ... it is a RELATIONSHIP with all that that entails.

D/s is a significant, if not a fundamental basis between the two people living together ... not something pulled out for occasional 'play' .

Neither is D/s based solely in sexual play, rather, it the way the two relate on a day to day basis.

Oh.. and btw, D/s does not always include the activity of BDSM...the activity with which these terms are associated. So please don't always assume every D/s couple is into flagellation or other forms of inflicting pain.


TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM:

Topping from the bottom is a related BDSM term, meaning a person who wants to be dominated but simultaneously direct the top to do it according to their wishes. This is usually pre-arranged before a scene.

In a D/s relationship there are nor 'roles', there is no 'D/s game' there are no 'acts' or 'performers'... the D/s relationship is life... REAL LIFE ... There is a Dominant, there is a submissive. End of story.

SCENING:

It may help to think of a scene as the BDSM equivalent of what might be considered a romantic interlude or erotic encounter...A scene can take place in private between two people, or in a club where it can be viewed by an audience.

In Context:

Before you decide to scene with a person make sure you know what it is you are wanting to do with this scene. Make sure that your desires in play areas match your prospective partner. Use things such as play lists and scene negotiation forms to aid these discussions of kink compatibility. A first scene is not the time to try something you've never used before. The actions which will be done in the scene should be discussed with the people involved.


In my 20 yr plus relationship:

W/we did not 'scene'.
W/we did not 'play D/s games'
W/we lived, loved and what W/we did flowed naturally.
There was no pre-planning ... in over 20 years in a D/s relationship i should certainly hope not...*lol*.
I don't know of any vanilla's that term their sexual activities as 'scening'' either.

Perhaps some P/people in 24/7 do make an appointment and pre-discuss a 'scene' they would like to 'play' ... but to this one, it is an entirely foreign concept... *lol*... W/we just did whatever came naturally..whatever flowed .

So for this one... the terms 'topping, bottoming and scening' have no place outside a BDSM or dungeon party or gathering; they certainly don't fit anything that has ever taken place within my relationships or in the home.

References:

Gebhard, P.H. Fetishism and sadomasochism. Science and Psychoanalysis, (1969).15:71-80.

Gibson,Ian The English vice: Beating, sex, and shame in Victorian England and after. Duckworth, London. (1978)

Marcus, Steven. The Other Victorians: A Study of Sexuality and Pornography in Mid-Nineteenth Century England. NY: Basic Books, 1966.

Baldwin,GuyTHE OLD GUARD (The History of Leather Traditions)

Robert V. Bienvenu II, Ph.D.American Fetish -

www.tdl.com/~thawley/oldgd.html

Tags: d/s:toppingbottomingscening:notinreallifethankyou! | Edit Tags

Friday January 26, 2007 - 10:05pm (EST) Edit | Delete

Next Post: THE Blonde: Facets - Subbi- Up-skilling! Previous Post: the submissives who love their Daddy Doms

Comments

(14 total) Post a Comment

I'll leave out my normal warning that I'm an idiot when it comes to D/s because by now I'm certain that everyone is quite aware of it. Instead, might I offer in my humble opinion, that "Topping, bottoming, and Scening" sound an awful lot like roleplaying. Such as what those in Lit do when they want to pretend they've finally come across their fantasy and act out any and all parts of that fantasy. Whereas, from what I've been educated to through this blog page, a true D/s relationship is very much a way of life and not an occassional situation brought out when most convenient.

Friday January 26, 2007 - 06:40am (EST) Remove Comment

i will admit that in the past, i have done my fair share of "sceneing" ~ but that was waaaaaaaaaaay before i discovered my submissive nature for the first time. now, everything comes very naturally for me ~ i don't need someone to lay out a scene for me online... it flows like a river... thank you once again blonderavensis for educating U/us on another timely topic... *hugggggggggggggs you tightly*

Friday January 26, 2007 - 06:54am (EST) Remove Comment

blonde, you have an uncanny way of seeing the things that i have had on my mind..the mentle, emotional,spiritual,and phisical aspects of a D/s realtionship is not a "Lifestyle"...Lifestyle is how much you make a yr, how many ppl in the house you have to distribute those funds to, and how you do it...it has nothing to do with D/s, or i should say, the essance of that realationship..and it burns me up when ppl attribute D/s and BD/SM in the same breath, no they are not the same things, i have a friend that is in a 24/7 D/s relationship, and has never been spanked, and has only seen nipple clamps online...so, again, it is 2 different things (that do work togeather if your bent that way)
Brilliant as always...

Friday January 26, 2007 - 07:43am (EST) Remove Comment

I enjoy the topping part most, but the bottom is ok on days when Im lazy and don't want to do ALL the work ;)

Friday January 26, 2007 - 09:24am (EST) Remove Comment

excellent post sister as have been the past ones in regards to Daddy Doms series. having been a slave for a lil over 9yrs myself i can honestly say that what W/we had was planned before it happened. it just flowed and happened. maybe my former Master had a basic plan but it did change during the course of set time frames W/we were together. to each T/their own i say. what works for O/one doesnt always for the other. i may be a slave but i do have my times, that i would like to be in charge and purrhaps do the pleasing "my way". but that doesnt mean i want to top. i just want to please my Master. but in the long run Master still is the one that either allows or not to happen. anyways .. have a fabulous day sister .. take care and stay safe .. thank you so much for all the wonderful informative posts .. wish i had time to leave comments on all of them .. but know that they are read by me. each and everyone .. ~hugs n love~ ange rouge{CM}

Friday January 26, 2007 - 09:15am (CST) Remove Comment

correction .. darn nails .. *wasnt planned*

Friday January 26, 2007 - 09:16am (CST) Remove Comment

Put so clearly, i fully agree. If you want to "play" at the lifestyle then the terms apply, but to live it, they do not. Thank you for your clarity.

Friday January 26, 2007 - 09:17am (PST) Remove Comment

raven, nicely said. i may be new to D/s, but the idea of doing any of this has never come up with Legion. thank you for clarifying what i've seen on other's blogs. hugggs.

Friday January 26, 2007 - 01:36pm (EST) Remove Comment

I've been away and unable to respond before, but wanted you to know this is an ecellent series you've done, especially loving the Daddy Dom posts. It's something there is indeed a lot of misunderstanding about, and now I think people will have a better grasp of it. I identify with this position, and I found myself nodding and smiling a lot through this. Good job, o thief of shiny things!

Friday January 26, 2007 - 10:47am (PST) Remove Comment

chuckles ... you always have so much fun educating U/us don't you?

Friday January 26, 2007 - 02:21pm (EST) Remove Comment

Hi Raven thanks for this post, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, I have never really understood the terms tops and bottoms before, I always thought they were 'players' and your post makes that even clearer:)
Hugs rose

Saturday January 27, 2007 - 09:46am (NZDT) Remove Comment

I don't think those words have any place in any form of relationship beyond the role playing fantasy games played out online where HotSlut4U is a 21yr old hot blonde with 38DDs who wants to be your fucktoy and is not in reality a 45yr old truck driver from Iowa who just wants to get off.

Saturday January 27, 2007 - 01:15pm (NZDT) Remove Comment

i always think of the terms tops, bottoms and scene as distinguishing those playing from those who quite simply...just live ... Y/you know, like a$50 entry to a club, distinguish which O/one Y/you are today.. top or bottom..and discuss a scene and the rules with the opposite 'role player'..and don't forget to wear Y/you fave bondage gear.... Ohhhh let's play Twister instead! But i guess when Y/you understand where the terms originated it makes sense. I jes'lurv San Francisco..lol..and people wonder why i live the a month a year!!!

Saturday January 27, 2007 - 10:23pm (EST) Remove Comment

The pontificating that many of the spd's do in public is a constant source of amusement to Me. you have picked a wonderful topic and exposed it in your usual capable manner. Well done

Saturday January 27, 2007 - 10:34pm (EST)
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , ,

Who Is Raphaella?

Many people talk about sex, sensuality and all things warm and fluffy. Few are uniquely qualified to raise discussion, educate and respond to questions. Raphaella falls into the latter category having studied Sex Therapy at University undergraduate and Post Graduate levels.

A founding member of one professional Sex Therapist Association she was also elected to the State Committee member of a National Association. Upon graduation Raphaella undertook clinical practice at the University's Sexual Research and Counselling Centre, providing therapy and counselling to individuals and couples on a wide range of sexual and relationship issues.

Over the years further specialty areas were developed in sexual abuse and in particular, issues and concerns relating to adult victims of childhood sexual abuse.

Raphaella's career has included many years of statutory child protection, policy and legislative development, professional training to health and welfare professionals and the establishment of a blog dealing specifically with issues relating to BDSM, Dominance and submission, Informed Consent, and Online relationships and Cybersex.

Sometimes humorous, sometimes satirical, sometimes educational and ALWAYS entertaining!

So - let's talk sensuality!
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)