D/s Manners & protocols: Don't Touch the sub

Look Don't Touch

In the past few days, by males, in 'type' I have found myself kissed, hugged, groped and written into scenarios without my knowledge or consent .While this seems perfectly harmless and trivial to some, here's the thing. -in real life this would not occur! So this got me thinking, is this behaviour discomfort more general in chatrooms as well as in personal interaction.

After a little research i offer the following thoughts for Y/your consideration.

In real life there are cultural, gender, professional and informal greetings and behaviours between people. Awareness and sensitivity to others and these differences smooths the way to congenial human interaction.

The D/s and BDSM communities in addition have formal and informal protocols and expectations relating to the approaches to and treatment of Dom/mes , submissives and slaves. The latter, whether collared or uncollared are regarded as particularly vulnerable. In real life, breach of protocols and disrespect would be very quickly dealt with and the offender taken aside and advised of the breach and the appropriate behaviour or in some instances, be asked to leave.

In chatrooms open to and encouraging D/s and BDSM lifestylers, awareness of and respect toward the etiquette displayed by D/s and BDSM lifestylers is encouraged. In turn those choosing to wear the 'lifestyler tag' in these rooms are encouraged to behave as closely as possible to those behaviours that would apply in real life situations. This serves not only to increase comfort and safety but also offers an opportunity to educate those whose exposure to the lifestyle may be based in pornographic , inaccurate or sensationalised material.




The best guide is to consider what the proper protocol would be to greet people in a real life D/s or BDSM gathering. Add to this the common sense manners used in any situation where strangers and acquaintances are meeting and greeting and there should be few problems.

D/s in Chatrooms:




In a chat room greetings and interactions take the form of words on a screen, describing the action or activity. These words need to be chosen with care.

A welcoming and friendly greeting is always met with a friendly response. We know how important smiles are in our physical interactions and many incorporate a smile or a wave in their greeting. Where people are familiar with each other a welcoming hug may also be included.
We also know how irritating trolls can be, with their touting for cyber, disrespectful treatment of others in the room and eschewing of the rules developed to create a safe and fun play and chat area.

Writing someone into a scene in a room without their knowledge and consent is highly disrespectful. When such a scenario involves a physical or sexual behaviour it is particularly poor manners. In D/s terms, when such writing involves a submissive or slave without his/her indicating consent to touch, this it is particularly frowned upon and would be unacceptable in real life situations.




To explain this further, i draw Y/your attention to the two major guidelines held by almost all D/s and BDSM groups within the sub-culture. Further down there is a brief explanation of Informal Proxemics, the study of personal space which i would encourage Y/you to skim.

Basic D/s Don't Touch Conventions/Guidelines:
Don't make any assumptions and do not touch anyone. A sub or slave is not public property. Neither is the designation a general one. If they are NOT Your sub or slave, DO Not Touch.

Few people welcome being touched by a stranger without giving his/her permission. Do not assume just because touching others is acceptable to Y/you that it is acceptable to the one's Y/you are imposing Y/yourself on.




This is particularly important when approaching all submissives and/or slaves whether in 'type' or in person.




As a generally accepted convention, in the D/s community one does not approach an owned, temporarily collared, in-training or otherwise attached sub/slave with the purpose of seeking private contact or conversation (this includes: in person, im., email, pm, voice) or to play/cyber with him/her. The proper procedure is to approach the Dom, and be specific about the reasons for and the nature of the interaction sought and request permission to make contact with their sub/slave.




Under no circumstances whether in type or in person, is it acceptable for any person to touch the uncollared sub or slave. This is a generally accepted rule across the D/s community and is adopted widely in recognition and protection of its most vulnerable members. Many uncollared sub/slaves also hold to purity and/or chastity and choose to specifically hold themselves physically apart from all but the closest of friends (i fall into this category). To touch without permission may be intimidating and distressing to the latter.

Where one seeks an interaction with an uncollared sub/slave, it is important that the approach is gentle, modulated and respectful and remember under NO circumstances is physical contact to be initiated unless the sub/slave indicates that such contact is acceptable.




Grabbing hands, hugging, groping, kissing, particularly by non- sub/slaves whether in type or in person, can be intimidating and takes advantage of the submissive training and nature. What may be regarded as simple ignorance or poor manners in the general community may well be regarded as taking liberties in others. And before Y/you get all het up....




This does not mean that casual conversation, laughing and jokingand playing and being silly in chatrooms is not encouraged with Dom/mes and submissives but it does require recognition, awareness and respect for the specific aspects of the D/s people.

Now, onto general interactions

Informal Proxemics: Awareness of Personal Space:




Be aware of ... and respect the 'personal space zone': the zone or bubble around themselves which humans protect from the intrusion of outsiders. One of the most irritating and disrespectful actions one person can inflict on another is to invade another's personal space uninvited.

W/we have all experienced people pushing into that space. Research supports the hypothesis that the violation of this personal space can have serious adverse effects on communication. It is ill-mannered at the least and intimidating at most and neither are conducive to establishing friendly relations.



As a general guide, the study of spatial territory for the purpose of communication uses four categories for informal space but the main thing to hold as a guideline is the concept of arms length:




1) the intimate distance for embracing or whispering (6-18 inches),

2) the personal distance for conversations among good friends (1.5-4 feet),

3) social distance for conversations among acquaintances (4-12 feet), and

4) public distance used for public speaking (12 feet or more).

In short, W/we are all different and the best way to ensure good relationship foundations is to be aware and mindful of the personal space and preferred interactions of the people around Y/you whether in type or person.

Verbal and physical respect (in type or deed) is always a good start ... and never, ever invade someone's personal space without their invitation.

Remember, uncollared sub/slaves are the most vulnerable members of the D/s community and for those particularly embracing physical chastity or purity what is a simple uninvited touch or gesture may cause distress.

They will let Y/you know if touching is ok by offering a hand which Y/you are then free to shake (or not) in greeting.

Of course.. close male friends are a whole different ballgame ... *smiles*.. and of course, there is often much familiarity and hugs and general hilarity between submissives....*lol* ...

Comments

(13 total) Post a Comment

• [dele…

*cursty's gracefully* Thanks!! i've said it before, and i'll say it again...i think that if more looked on chat as a REAL bdsm setting, there would be less strife. It's all about respect. Knowing it, learning it...goes along way. If one calls themselves a submissive, then be one, behave as one. The same is true for Dominants.

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 07:22am (PST) Remove Comment

• pandy…
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smile* it drives me crazy, since the first day i set foot in chat to be groped and kissed by people of either gender as a greeting in the room. A ways back, i wrote a blog about hugging. Yes, i'm a r/l hugger of my friends. When i haven't seen the person in ages, there's a real good chance there's going to be a hugged involved. Legion and i talked about hugging very, very early in our relationship, long before any discussion of D/s or collars, the end result: there are only a few men i hug -- the ones i feel closest to, have never had a relationship with, etc. laughing* no matter what the future brings, i doubt this will ever change.

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 12:24pm (EST) Remove Comment

• Rough…
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As allways, your blogs, blonde, are a well thought of and beautiful worded. I have to agree with most of what you say, with one exception - blogging itself. Blogs have the funny nature of crossing those personal boundies, since you post for a large number of viewers and get feedbacks, commnets from many, on what to me is in many cases very personal issues. Of course by posting those issues we allow them to become public domain, but I would love to hear your's and other's take on this angle - in other words - the proper D/s related protocol for commneting on blogs...smile.

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 09:32am (PST) Remove Comment

• ~bekk…
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*smiles* thank you blondesis for posting this... you know how this little one feels about items of this nature *wink*

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 12:42pm (EST) Remove Comment

• [dele…

good readings.. kind of like the rules of meetings I had put up not long ago on another blog of Mine... *warm smile*.. keep it up girl.. enjoy reading here.. btw.. Happy New Year.. *gentle hugs*

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 10:47am (PST) Remove Comment

• [dele…

thank you raven, for researching that and breaking it down with (imo) your very correct opinions.
i'm not much of a hugger in lit, though there are some folks who i do, as they're close friends and good people. the occasional *kotc* doesn't bother me, but even before i was with noxi i wasn't into the seemingly obligatory *kiss*.

the part about uncollared subs is very good too. imo there's WAY too much familiarity offered from males and some Doms too. i've occasionally had a word behind the scenes with some who have obviously (though not to themselves) gone over the line and into a what's becoming molestation. i'm in no way the official bouncer, but that's one of the things i just won't tolerate.

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 11:48am (PST) Remove Comment

• THE B…
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It was a measure of the true.. and by that in mean r/l Doms that when this event occurred i received 2 pm's almost immediately checking that i was ok and offering assistance to explain to the fellow. This response from Doms is the equivalent of what would occur in a r/l situation and is based in an awareness of the unique nature of the D/s interactions.

Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 11:35am (EST) Remove Comment

• range…
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...very good points and explanations ..always appreciate your opinion and observations...and like many ..i only hug those i feel comfortable with and who i feel would be comfortable back... ..((happy new year))

Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 10:42pm (CST) Remove Comment

• ~~Mas…
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BRAVOO BRAVOOOOO I did enjoy reading this blog post for it was filled with all the information I feel that everyone needs to read and learn I DO NOT TOUCH I EXPECT THE SAME FOR ME AND MY GIRL no matter what I am doing in the room or here I do not hug,kiss or grope anothers Girl I have My own for that I always greet the sub/slaves with Greetings lil one for I feel if you are not My girl I shall not adress you as anyhthing less As WELL I HATE TROLLS I HATE What they do to good sub/slaves and how they act if we could cyber shoot them I would go hunting on a regular basis as wel I would like to take this time to adress another problem I have noticed within the chat rooms other Master/Dom/mes give another's sub/slave an order and expecting them to obey that simply does not fly with Me at all if someone was to give a command to My sub I would tell them to well you know where I am going with it I do not give commandes to someone that does not belong to Me and expect them to carry it out SO I do not want you to it to Mine it is not proper I would like to Thank You lil one for this post itis good information that everyone needs to read and remember Master/Dom/me's as well as sub/slaves Thank You again lil one

~~MW~~

Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 12:47am (CST) Remove Comment

• Cowbo…
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If I ever step over the line (which would probably be unknowingly), so to speak, I would expect the courtesy of being told politely what I did wrong (preferably in PM) and would offer appropriate and heartfelt apologies to the offended party. I only state that because I have done a fairly minimal amount of reading about the protocols of the lifestyle--just so I don't offend anyone and show the RESPECT that is required. I enjoy learning by osmosis--some of the nuances to the D/s lifestyle, but being human and admittedly NOT well-read...I will make mistakes and do my best not to repeat them. (Being not well-versed in a lifestyle doesn't make me a Troll!) *steps off soapbox

Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 08:35am (GMT) Remove Comment

• Capt.…
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Good post, dear. Many have wondered why I'm not a "hugger". You've explained the reasons better than I ever could have. Having a collared one Myself, I admit to some former conversations with My one concerning this very subject. After said conversations, I've on very few occasions "put My foot down", and put an end to close interactions between her, and other males (I say males, because I cannot consider them "Doms" and keep a straight face.)In all other cases, it's boiled down to a simple matter of trust. Both in My one, and those men that do indeed give her a simple hug. Trust, as A/all should know, is one of the cornerstones to the D/s or ANY form of relationship. Another is Respect. If One cannot respect the judgment of their one about certain matters, and this is definitely one of them. One, is in a troubled situation.

Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 12:31pm (CST) Remove Comment

• eroti…
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wow... i missed this blog ... smiles at sis.. very well said and i will have to say i agree on all counts..id like to beleive my behavior represents as a sub should be ...i trust my Sir to let me know if i am disrespecting Him with any of my behaviors ...few times yes He has put His foot down..of course i questioned and listened to what He had to say about it ...and has corrected my behavior as such *smiles* up at Sir..i tend to hug O/ones i consider part of my o/l family and close friends...if by chance i offended any within their personall space again i trust them to speak to me about and let me know ...as for groping ,touching.pinching i refrain from this as much as possible to me its rude and disrespectfull..i treat A/all as i would in R/L..if that makes me a goodtwoshoes or a snob so be it .. i like to play and have fun with the best of them but with respect shown at all times ....smiles..ty sis for a great blog i look foward to many more ..*smile* up at Sir ..i agree trust is a huge factor ..and this tiny one is very pleased that You trust me and my judgement ..slips out quietly ..

Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 02:38pm (CST) Remove Comment

• BLOND…
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i agree ..of course. It perturbs me that so many who claim to be of the l/s display ignorance of this basic matter. How to say hello, how to greet. The respect demonstrated is the first and most fundamental aspect of O/our relationships with each O/other. i have travelled in Australia, UK, Germany, America and Canada and these basic standards of do not touch are adopted throughout. Where one displays this basic level of ignorance and affords this girl disrespect ... smiles... well, he reveals himself as no Dom.

Sunday January 7, 2007 - 03:02am (PST)

D/s : manners

"Come to Heel"

Sometimes a sub cam run amok.. a little too much humour, a little too much mischief... and whilst it is is great to have humour, laughter and lighteness in any relationship, there is a point at which it may just go a little over the line into disrespect. Within an existing D/s relationship, a collared sub may be called to heel, will generally be quick to comply and will accept correction and guidance from her/his Master with grace and thanks.

However, uncollared and wannabee subs in open rooms are a whole different ballgame. We have seen over and over again, a Dom who displays a lightness and humour or is approachable being mistakenly regarded by wannbee subbies as weak, or less Dom in some way. The overly-familiar and unsolicited behaviour often displayed by these newcomers is not only often disrespectful to Doms but is also disrespectful to subs who have worked hard to perfect the art of pleasing their Masters. In short, it is rude, ill-mannered and is contrary to the protocols of the D/s community. In fact, some recent incidences witnessed are contrary to the normal mores of social behaviour.

The D/s relationship is not reflective of schoolyard or sophomiric behaviours. The protocols tend toward the old fashioned in terms of values and manners and these need to be respected, particularly by 'newbies' who may be in the initial stages of exploring D/s. To go into any community or sub-culture without respect for traditions and protocols is to risk not only a lack of acceptance but open hostility. Not a good start to exploration. Nor does such behaviour display suitable and appropriate submissive behaviours if the object is to attract the attention of a Dom and to have your petition for training considered. So a few pointers for the newbies and wannabee's:

It is inappropriate to go into a Dom's pm without making such request in the open room.

Read His profile. In some instances PM's are specifically prohibited. In others they may be prohibited if His sub is present.

It is inappropriate to treat Him as one of the blokes in the pub on a Friday night.

It is inappropriate to interrupt when He is engaged in discussions with others, and particularly with other Doms or His sub.

It is NEVER appropriate to touch His person. Even His collared sub must wait for signal and permission to do this.

It is never appropriate to interrupt when He is engaged in intimate behaviour or discipline with His sub.

A Dom chooses who He will and will not speak to. If He refers you to His sub you treat her with the respect You would afford Him; she has leave to speak with His voice.

It is inappropriate to treat a Dom with a lack of respect. This is a man who has taken responsibility in many instances for another human being. He is disciplined. This is no mean feat, and no light undertaking.

It is hoped that these small pointers will assist newcomers in negotiating their first steps on the D/s journey.

Tags: d/smanners | Edit Tags

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 05:17am (EST) Edit | Delete

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Comments

(13 total) Post a Comment

• Tantr…
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Smiles ... excellent post. The other side of this coin being that a "real" Dominant WILL call you out for this kind of behaviour or look at you with less than admiring eyes. A Dominant also needs to behave like one ... play is fine, childish behaviour is not.

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 03:40pm (EDT) Remove Comment

• xxxwww
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Very good little one. She understands well, and where I do not often frequent the rooms, it is nonetheless good to follow the examples and rules that she has posted here.

This is EXACTLY what I have come to expect at a play party, a munch, or any other gathering of My local community or friends where there are several involved.

It is ONLY good manners. And not only do subbies need to have good manners, so do Us Doms.

I have far too often seen where a Dom is completely and unnecessarily rude. Yes, even in real life. There is no call for that. Politeness and firmness can be complimentary partners.

Just my $.02

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 03:04pm (CDT) Remove Comment

• [dele…

I do find this of benefit and could have used LONG ago (smiles) *ty* Also I would like to say, as a new girl, that in an online environment it takes a very very long time and much diligence to figure out exactly how D/s speak to one another and who to emulate etc....we see such different displays of behavior, we have to decifer. Some might even say that *sexual scenes* should not be dislayed in public arena; however, I do see many "E/experienced" who enjoy that...it is so hard to learn what to do. I am inclined to agree with TQ's comment....,....in my own experiences so far - I have found that even though I have not declared myself a sub...well - until yesterday... there are a couple of D's who I feel COMPELLED to treat with respect (even if I dont know them) and would never consider any other way...some, I have made mistaks with and have learned to treat with respect....others I may have had - shall we say -less than respectful experiences with that have changed the dynamic of the relationship into one that you might be discussing. and still in other cases - we are not aware that they are Dom....or they abuse us/stalk us/really freak us out! In which cases....we are not polite (even if perhaps we should be in a public forum) (geez - I had a lot to say) *but honestly...it is good info for us new girls*

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 01:28pm (PDT) Remove Comment

• Wolf *
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I find that a lack of respect in any facet of one's interactions is a strong indicator of a lack of respect in all of them. Those who have traveled outside their homelands know from experience that while no host wants any visitor to feel as if they can not breathe without scrutiny, it's also incumbent on the newcomer/visitor to either learn the culture into which they are placing themselves, or at the very least take nothing for granted until they have made others more comfortable with their presence. Whatever happened to the days of guests understanding that they are just that - guests - and treating others with the according respect?

Respect (or the lack thereof) is not just a D/s issue - it's an issue that pervades all of society, and we are collectively losing our sense of appropriate respect for the things and people and conditions around us. In simpler terms? Thoughtless people will be thoughtless no matter where they are or who they're with. Let's hope just one thoughtless person a day happens to read your guidelines and gains some insight into their poor behavior, even if just within the confines of the D/s world that we all either visit or call home. Who knows? That one person might show more respect in other areas of their lives too, and more people would be better of for it.

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 03:59pm (CDT) Remove Comment

• noxious
• Offline

I have always maintained that I am not a sub, I am not a Domme. I'm just me. I enjoy spending time in the sss room because the people are nice, its interesting to watch and learn and I have fun in there with several of the people.

I treat people with as much respect as they show me. If I am PMed with a "hey slut", I will happily eviscerate the PMers whilst smiling and singing a happy song the whole time. Just because the room is called "submissive, slut, slaves" it doesn't make all who chat there those things.

That is why I disagree with the new Lit Message known as #1 Rule. To me, respect is something that has to be earnt (or if you are American, earned). Its not a right or a privilege. I'm sposed to respect people who PM me their sick incestuous fantasies? Fuck off!!!! Where is their respect for me?

I hope I haven't offended any Dom/mes or subs with how I am in sss. I have always said I only mock the wannabes....the ones who tack on a Master nic and then call the woman they are cybering a "slut" and then push her around. From everything I have read, seen and been told by true D/s's, thats bullshit. I have made too many "Masters" beg like bitches in Yahoo chat to have anything but mocking for those sorts of people. And the ones with "velcro collars"...let's not go there.

The D/s world is new to me and I know I step on toes in my ignorance. I am also open to being called up on it and being told the error of my ways by the Doms I have seen around and have earnt my respect. Its not something I am exploring or toying with. I'm too strong willed to submit and not patient enough to Domme. I will just hang out and enjoy the company of the great people who tolerate my stumbling around in their world.

And do feel free to kick my arse if I offend ya =)

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 10:01am (NZST) Remove Comment

• spank…
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*nods, nods* all of the above, except *eyes down* there's one thing. "It is NEVER appropriate to touch His person. Even His collared sub must wait for signal and permission to do this." *whispers* what about pouncing? i don't want to be disrespectful, but... *shrugs* it's in my nature. helphelp

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 05:59pm (CDT) Remove Comment

• purr/…
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Onya sis... respect for all people is good and if one wouldn't bounce up to someone and sit on their lap or be overly familiar in any other setting, i don't see why a chat room should be any different. Getting to know people and reaspecting their space is always good, and in our little D/s world, manners and respect are afforded to all unless they are clearly boorish or rude, and i must admit, it's not something i've come across much in real life , but then, maybe my beloved Master Snow and this girl are just too old-fashioned *laughs* ..honest mistakes are always met with tolerance of course, but there are some who do take advantage of good nature or an open smile. Hopefully this will assist some in their initial foray into our little world...*hugs you tightly...hates to let you go*...miss you sis *smiles happily at seeing you here*

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 09:07am (EST) Remove Comment

• RM
• Offline

"However, uncollared and wannabee subs in open rooms are a whole different ballgame"
Why are uncollared genuine subs and wannabees in the same category?

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 05:27pm (MDT) Remove Comment

• Snow …
• Offline

Well said little one. It is excellent advice and should assist both Doms and subs. I have noted and enjoyed the wit and exhuberance in the rooms. This is tremendous fun and should not be at all curtailed. However, in those rooms specifically known to be available to and focussed on M/members of the D/s community and those wishing to know more about D/s it is good to observe at least the rudimentary protocols. As with any community or culture, a cautious, respectful and inquiring approach is always welcomed and every attempt is made to assist the newcomer. But over-familiarity in response to a friendly smile or a helpful attitude can create some strain, whether displayed by a Dom to a sub not in his collar, or by a sub to a Dom to whom she/he does not belong. Thank you for raising this issue little one. Observing the basics ensure that all can have fun.

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 10:14am (EST) Remove Comment

• Scare…
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That needed saying and is well said. Thank you.

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 01:58pm (EST) Remove Comment

• Lord …
• Offline IM

This Lady always knows her stuff very well, it is a honor to know her.

Tuesday September 26, 2006 - 11:33pm (PDT) Remove Comment

• [dele…

Indeed it is well said and it will provide good basic ground rules ... well done little one

Wednesday September 27, 2006 - 01:11am (PDT) Remove Comment

• ...
• Offline

your posts are always smart and concise. i love coming over to have a peek. This one is so true in very many ways. Thanks for sharing..xo picksie

Thursday September 28, 2006 - 11:42am (PDT)