In the past few days, by males, in 'type' I have found myself kissed, hugged, groped and written into scenarios without my knowledge or consent .While this seems perfectly harmless and trivial to some, here's the thing. -in real life this would not occur! So this got me thinking, is this behaviour discomfort more general in chatrooms as well as in personal interaction.
After a little research i offer the following thoughts for Y/your consideration.
The D/s and BDSM communities in addition have formal and informal protocols and expectations relating to the approaches to and treatment of Dom/mes , submissives and slaves. The latter, whether collared or uncollared are regarded as particularly vulnerable. In real life, breach of protocols and disrespect would be very quickly dealt with and the offender taken aside and advised of the breach and the appropriate behaviour or in some instances, be asked to leave.
The best guide is to consider what the proper protocol would be to greet people in a real life D/s or BDSM gathering. Add to this the common sense manners used in any situation where strangers and acquaintances are meeting and greeting and there should be few problems.
D/s in Chatrooms:
In a chat room greetings and interactions take the form of words on a screen, describing the action or activity. These words need to be chosen with care.
A welcoming and friendly greeting is always met with a friendly response. We know how important smiles are in our physical interactions and many incorporate a smile or a wave in their greeting. Where people are familiar with each other a welcoming hug may also be included.
We also know how irritating trolls can be, with their touting for cyber, disrespectful treatment of others in the room and eschewing of the rules developed to create a safe and fun play and chat area.
Writing someone into a scene in a room without their knowledge and consent is highly disrespectful. When such a scenario involves a physical or sexual behaviour it is particularly poor manners. In D/s terms, when such writing involves a submissive or slave without his/her indicating consent to touch, this it is particularly frowned upon and would be unacceptable in real life situations.
To explain this further, i draw Y/your attention to the two major guidelines held by almost all D/s and BDSM groups within the sub-culture. Further down there is a brief explanation of Informal Proxemics, the study of personal space which i would encourage Y/you to skim.
Basic D/s Don't Touch Conventions/Guidelines:
Don't make any assumptions and do not touch anyone. A sub or slave is not public property. Neither is the designation a general one. If they are NOT Your sub or slave, DO Not Touch.
Few people welcome being touched by a stranger without giving his/her permission. Do not assume just because touching others is acceptable to Y/you that it is acceptable to the one's Y/you are imposing Y/yourself on.
This is particularly important when approaching all submissives and/or slaves whether in 'type' or in person.
As a generally accepted convention, in the D/s community one does not approach an owned, temporarily collared, in-training or otherwise attached sub/slave with the purpose of seeking private contact or conversation (this includes: in person, im., email, pm, voice) or to play/cyber with him/her. The proper procedure is to approach the Dom, and be specific about the reasons for and the nature of the interaction sought and request permission to make contact with their sub/slave.
Under no circumstances whether in type or in person, is it acceptable for any person to touch the uncollared sub or slave. This is a generally accepted rule across the D/s community and is adopted widely in recognition and protection of its most vulnerable members. Many uncollared sub/slaves also hold to purity and/or chastity and choose to specifically hold themselves physically apart from all but the closest of friends (i fall into this category). To touch without permission may be intimidating and distressing to the latter.
Where one seeks an interaction with an uncollared sub/slave, it is important that the approach is gentle, modulated and respectful and remember under NO circumstances is physical contact to be initiated unless the sub/slave indicates that such contact is acceptable.
Grabbing hands, hugging, groping, kissing, particularly by non- sub/slaves whether in type or in person, can be intimidating and takes advantage of the submissive training and nature. What may be regarded as simple ignorance or poor manners in the general community may well be regarded as taking liberties in others. And before Y/you get all het up....
This does not mean that casual conversation, laughing and jokingand playing and being silly in chatrooms is not encouraged with Dom/mes and submissives but it does require recognition, awareness and respect for the specific aspects of the D/s people.
Informal Proxemics: Awareness of Personal Space:
Be aware of ... and respect the 'personal space zone': the zone or bubble around themselves which humans protect from the intrusion of outsiders. One of the most irritating and disrespectful actions one person can inflict on another is to invade another's personal space uninvited.
W/we have all experienced people pushing into that space. Research supports the hypothesis that the violation of this personal space can have serious adverse effects on communication. It is ill-mannered at the least and intimidating at most and neither are conducive to establishing friendly relations.
As a general guide, the study of spatial territory for the purpose of communication uses four categories for informal space but the main thing to hold as a guideline is the concept of arms length:
1) the intimate distance for embracing or whispering (6-18 inches),
2) the personal distance for conversations among good friends (1.5-4 feet),
3) social distance for conversations among acquaintances (4-12 feet), and
4) public distance used for public speaking (12 feet or more).
In short, W/we are all different and the best way to ensure good relationship foundations is to be aware and mindful of the personal space and preferred interactions of the people around Y/you whether in type or person.
Verbal and physical respect (in type or deed) is always a good start ... and never, ever invade someone's personal space without their invitation.
Remember, uncollared sub/slaves are the most vulnerable members of the D/s community and for those particularly embracing physical chastity or purity what is a simple uninvited touch or gesture may cause distress.
They will let Y/you know if touching is ok by offering a hand which Y/you are then free to shake (or not) in greeting.
Of course.. close male friends are a whole different ballgame ... *smiles*.. and of course, there is often much familiarity and hugs and general hilarity between submissives....*lol* ...
Comments
(13 total) Post a Comment*cursty's gracefully* Thanks!! i've said it before, and i'll say it again...i think that if more looked on chat as a REAL bdsm setting, there would be less strife. It's all about respect. Knowing it, learning it...goes along way. If one calls themselves a submissive, then be one, behave as one. The same is true for Dominants.
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 07:22am (PST) Remove Comment
smile* it drives me crazy, since the first day i set foot in chat to be groped and kissed by people of either gender as a greeting in the room. A ways back, i wrote a blog about hugging. Yes, i'm a r/l hugger of my friends. When i haven't seen the person in ages, there's a real good chance there's going to be a hugged involved. Legion and i talked about hugging very, very early in our relationship, long before any discussion of D/s or collars, the end result: there are only a few men i hug -- the ones i feel closest to, have never had a relationship with, etc. laughing* no matter what the future brings, i doubt this will ever change.
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 12:24pm (EST) Remove Comment
- Rough…
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As allways, your blogs, blonde, are a well thought of and beautiful worded. I have to agree with most of what you say, with one exception - blogging itself. Blogs have the funny nature of crossing those personal boundies, since you post for a large number of viewers and get feedbacks, commnets from many, on what to me is in many cases very personal issues. Of course by posting those issues we allow them to become public domain, but I would love to hear your's and other's take on this angle - in other words - the proper D/s related protocol for commneting on blogs...smile.
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 09:32am (PST) Remove Comment
- ~bekk…
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*smiles* thank you blondesis for posting this... you know how this little one feels about items of this nature *wink*
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 12:42pm (EST) Remove Comment
good readings.. kind of like the rules of meetings I had put up not long ago on another blog of Mine... *warm smile*.. keep it up girl.. enjoy reading here.. btw.. Happy New Year.. *gentle hugs*
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 10:47am (PST) Remove Comment
thank you raven, for researching that and breaking it down with (imo) your very correct opinions.
i'm not much of a hugger in lit, though there are some folks who i do, as they're close friends and good people. the occasional *kotc* doesn't bother me, but even before i was with noxi i wasn't into the seemingly obligatory *kiss*.
the part about uncollared subs is very good too. imo there's WAY too much familiarity offered from males and some Doms too. i've occasionally had a word behind the scenes with some who have obviously (though not to themselves) gone over the line and into a what's becoming molestation. i'm in no way the official bouncer, but that's one of the things i just won't tolerate.
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 11:48am (PST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
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It was a measure of the true.. and by that in mean r/l Doms that when this event occurred i received 2 pm's almost immediately checking that i was ok and offering assistance to explain to the fellow. This response from Doms is the equivalent of what would occur in a r/l situation and is based in an awareness of the unique nature of the D/s interactions.
Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 11:35am (EST) Remove Comment
- range…
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...very good points and explanations ..always appreciate your opinion and observations...and like many ..i only hug those i feel comfortable with and who i feel would be comfortable back... ..((happy new year))
Tuesday January 2, 2007 - 10:42pm (CST) Remove Comment
- ~~Mas…
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BRAVOO BRAVOOOOO I did enjoy reading this blog post for it was filled with all the information I feel that everyone needs to read and learn I DO NOT TOUCH I EXPECT THE SAME FOR ME AND MY GIRL no matter what I am doing in the room or here I do not hug,kiss or grope anothers Girl I have My own for that I always greet the sub/slaves with Greetings lil one for I feel if you are not My girl I shall not adress you as anyhthing less As WELL I HATE TROLLS I HATE What they do to good sub/slaves and how they act if we could cyber shoot them I would go hunting on a regular basis as wel I would like to take this time to adress another problem I have noticed within the chat rooms other Master/Dom/mes give another's sub/slave an order and expecting them to obey that simply does not fly with Me at all if someone was to give a command to My sub I would tell them to well you know where I am going with it I do not give commandes to someone that does not belong to Me and expect them to carry it out SO I do not want you to it to Mine it is not proper I would like to Thank You lil one for this post itis good information that everyone needs to read and remember Master/Dom/me's as well as sub/slaves Thank You again lil one
~~MW~~
Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 12:47am (CST) Remove Comment
- Cowbo…
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If I ever step over the line (which would probably be unknowingly), so to speak, I would expect the courtesy of being told politely what I did wrong (preferably in PM) and would offer appropriate and heartfelt apologies to the offended party. I only state that because I have done a fairly minimal amount of reading about the protocols of the lifestyle--just so I don't offend anyone and show the RESPECT that is required. I enjoy learning by osmosis--some of the nuances to the D/s lifestyle, but being human and admittedly NOT well-read...I will make mistakes and do my best not to repeat them. (Being not well-versed in a lifestyle doesn't make me a Troll!) *steps off soapbox
Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 08:35am (GMT) Remove Comment
- Capt.…
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Good post, dear. Many have wondered why I'm not a "hugger". You've explained the reasons better than I ever could have. Having a collared one Myself, I admit to some former conversations with My one concerning this very subject. After said conversations, I've on very few occasions "put My foot down", and put an end to close interactions between her, and other males (I say males, because I cannot consider them "Doms" and keep a straight face.)In all other cases, it's boiled down to a simple matter of trust. Both in My one, and those men that do indeed give her a simple hug. Trust, as A/all should know, is one of the cornerstones to the D/s or ANY form of relationship. Another is Respect. If One cannot respect the judgment of their one about certain matters, and this is definitely one of them. One, is in a troubled situation.
Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 12:31pm (CST) Remove Comment
- eroti…
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wow... i missed this blog ... smiles at sis.. very well said and i will have to say i agree on all counts..id like to beleive my behavior represents as a sub should be ...i trust my Sir to let me know if i am disrespecting Him with any of my behaviors ...few times yes He has put His foot down..of course i questioned and listened to what He had to say about it ...and has corrected my behavior as such *smiles* up at Sir..i tend to hug O/ones i consider part of my o/l family and close friends...if by chance i offended any within their personall space again i trust them to speak to me about and let me know ...as for groping ,touching.pinching i refrain from this as much as possible to me its rude and disrespectfull..i treat A/all as i would in R/L..if that makes me a goodtwoshoes or a snob so be it .. i like to play and have fun with the best of them but with respect shown at all times ....smiles..ty sis for a great blog i look foward to many more ..*smile* up at Sir ..i agree trust is a huge factor ..and this tiny one is very pleased that You trust me and my judgement ..slips out quietly ..
Wednesday January 3, 2007 - 02:38pm (CST) Remove Comment
- BLOND…
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i agree ..of course. It perturbs me that so many who claim to be of the l/s display ignorance of this basic matter. How to say hello, how to greet. The respect demonstrated is the first and most fundamental aspect of O/our relationships with each O/other. i have travelled in Australia, UK, Germany, America and Canada and these basic standards of do not touch are adopted throughout. Where one displays this basic level of ignorance and affords this girl disrespect ... smiles... well, he reveals himself as no Dom.
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