Domestic/Intimate Abuse vs D/s and BDSM

What is the Difference

Between

D/s, BDSM

and Domestic

Violence/Abuse?

This is the first of a short series of postings exploring these issues. M/many will be aware that there are very clear legal sanctions relating to even consensual injury through BDSM activities. W/we in what is sometimes termed 'the lifestyle' are well aware of the perception that O/our relationships, founded on the concept of domination and submission, are abusive.. *smiles*.. for most of U/us nothing could be further from the truth.

W/we are also aware that there are some who inappropriately label their adult abusive relationships as D/s or the abuse as BDSM activities. Whilst this may in some way make the abuse more palatable or acceptable to the perpetrator and the victim, such semantic re-packaging creates a false perception of what is involved in a D/s relationship. D/s and domestic violence/abuse are diametrically opposite.


My experience of D/s originates from an adult life lived solely on this life path. This has been supplemented by University studies including Bachelor of Social Work (1985) with a minor in Sexology, specialising in paraphilia's: specifically D/s and BDSM and over 21 years of clinical, field, policy and legal work in the areas of adult and child sexual abuse and family violence.

In order to examine the differences between abuse and D/s and BDSM it is sensible to first get a grasp on what is abusive behaviour in intimate relationships. This is a difficult concept to grasp for many, but essentially domestic/family violence is a cycle of behaviours which are repeated over and over again. There are several patterns that form the cycle and W/we will first look at this.


This will be followed by postings on the elements of D/s relationships, Safe, Sane and Consensual principles, a look at the elements of BDSM (including legal issues) and finally a recap of the identified differences. The final posting will offer information on services

Part One

Domestic/Intimate Violence: The Cycle

What is a destructive/abusive relationship? Well, it's a pretty good bet that if it hurts or scares you, it's not healthy. Relationships should make both partners feel good about themselves and about each other. D/s relationships are of course predicated on negotiated consensuality within the principles of Safe, Sane and Consensual activity. This is quite a different matter than the domestic/intimate abuse victim who has little control over events and boundaries and certainly does not have a safe word.

Domestic violence occurs when a relationship is based on power and control Note here, W/we are not talking about a negotiated consensual power exchange complete with safewords.

The abuse can be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual. Often, one or more intimidating and/or violent incidents are accompanied by an array of other types of abuse. They may not be as obvious, but the presence of others assist in indentifying a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

Domestic violence may seem unpredictable, simply an outburst related just to the moment and to the circumstances in the lives of the people involved. However, domestic violence follows a typical and very predictable pattern no matter when it occurs or who is involved.

This pattern is commonly called the 'cycle of abuse', a pattern of living in which one person (generally, but not always the male) uses intimidation, violence and other abusive behaviours to control and maintain power over a partner or other family member. Again, this is NOT a consensual, negotiated power exchange that may be rescinded or renegotiated by the victim!

Dometic Violence is the leading cause of
injury and death to women
between the ages of 15-44,
exceeding car accidents,
muggings and rapes.

Domestic violence
not only affects
the abused victim,
but it also affects
the children who witness
the abuse.
Statistics indicate that domestic violence
is the single best predictor
of juvenile delinquency
and adult criminality
and has a grievously devastating effect
on self esteem,
functionality,
socialisation and
confidence.

Tension Building Phase

This is the phase where the tension starts to almost imperceptably build; like a mood or a dark cloud permeating the home..... things lead up to that "walking on eggshells" feeling.

Acute Incident Phase

This is the stage where the violence occurs. The amount of violence in this stage usually builds in intensity with each episode.

Progression of violence:

• pre-battering violence
  1. verbal abuse
  2. hitting objects
  3. throwing objects
  4. breaking objects
  5. and making threats
  
  when abusers hit or break objects or make threats almost 100% resort to battering

• beginning levels
  1. pushing
  2. grabbing
  3. restraining

• moderate levels
  1. slapping
  2. pinching
  3. kicking
  4. pulling out clumps of hair

• severe levels
  1. choking
  2. beating with objects
  3. use of weapons
  4. and rape (1 in 3 women in a violent relationship are raped)
     1. batterer uses weapons to subdue victim
     2. victim is afraid of consequences of batterer getting angry if they say no
     
     
     

Honeymoon Phase

This is the stage where the batterer either (1) minimizes the episode and then apologizes and promises never to do it again or (2) blames it on alcohol, drugs, etc. and promises it will never happen again or (3) denies it ever happened. The batterer is then sweet and kind and gentle for a while and may buy gifts.

If the victim does leave after the battering incident the batterer will do anything it takes to get them to come back. This includes:

• "hearts and flowers" (bribe)
• promises to be a good parent (works well if they have neglected the kids)
• finds God (does not take responsibility for behavior)
• will stop drinking (drinking does not cause battering)
• will get counselling (only long term counseling will be effective and less than 1% voluntarily go into counselling).

Tags: bdsmabusevsbdsm1

Tuesday January 16, 2007 - 02:16am

Comments

• pandy…

Thank you raven, as always. As you know there are misconceptions; i'm looking forward to the remaining postings. *points a few people towards this blog* Hugs

Monday January 15, 2007 - 10:50am (EST)

• Cowbo…

As a college freshman, I did a Writing 103 term paper on child abuse where I got lots of books on the subject from my next door neighbor, who is retired now from law enforcement. I still wince and cry when I think about the brutality and the abuse the kids took. I know it isn't quite the same as what the article is, but that term paper reaffirmed that I will NEVER be a person that could ever batter a woman or a child.

Monday January 15, 2007 - 05:50pm (GMT)

• ~**li…

Thank You for bringing this to the front, this is an awful situation that many ppl have endured to many degrees and in many fashions, perhaps some take for granted that because they dont "actually" hit a person then it it isnt real abuse, emotional and mentle abuse is sometimes subtle, but is NO less as damaging..i look forward to more post on this subject, brilliant as always sis...

Tuesday January 16, 2007 - 08:34am (EST)

• fìrëì…

fabulously informative as always...ty blonderaven sis...in the USA there are many resources for helping victims of abuse...*prays for the abused ones, hoping they have the strength and courage to stand up and reach out to someone for help*...i too look forward to more posts on this subject...thank you so much...what you share helps us to help others...God bless you girl! *hugs you so tight*

Tuesday January 16, 2007 - 09:22am (EST)