Sunday, June 21, 2009

Taken In Hand: Redux and Intro

Is he dominant, domineering or a dithering wimp?

While i am in the process of writing the second in a series of articles i have planned on D/s relationship i thought you might find this of interest. Consider it an 'ad break'..*lol...

This article is reprinted in part from 'Taken in Hand'

(by Sarah Cavendish: http://www.takeninhand.com/node/116)

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I think THIS article in particular gives valuable advice to women who are on the submissive path at whatever level .... so .. READ! COMPREHEND! ACT!

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Is he dominant, domineering

or a dithering wimp?

If you are in a new relationship, or want to be with a man who is lovingly dominant, you might like to consider the following advice:

  • Don't waste time with someone who does not appear to have potential. To avoid doing this, set yourself clear time frames and criteria by which to judge whether there is progress/potential. Don't spend a year coming to the conclusion that he is about as dominant as a frightened rabbit.

  • Be very careful you don't end up with someone domineering instead of dominant, or controlling instead of having the ability to control in a consensual way, or someone physically abusive instead of someone who takes you in hand.

  • Be very aware of how he responds to dissent on your part. If you feel genuinely unhappy about something, does he listen to your concerns? Does he make you feel heard? Does he in general appear willing to modify his decision in the light of your wishes, or does he seem spitefully intransigent?

  • How is his temper? If he has a bad temper, the red flags should be flying.

  • Does he accuse you of being controlling? Danger!

  • Does he love you? If love has not blossomed yet, be very cautious about introducing him to the idea of dominance and discipline. Without love, what you will have are empty experiences devoid of the intimate connection we cherish.

  • While you are waiting for love to blossom, concentrate on getting to know your new man as thoroughly as possible. Find out everything you can about him. The more you know, the more information you have on which to judge whether he is one of the good guys, and whether he is also capable of learning dominance, and whether he is ever too prudish to put you over his knee. Do not rush this.

  • Determine whether you are generally compatible, whether your values are reasonably similar, whether your energy levels are similar, whether any strongly held ideas you have clash. Imagine that this man were paralysed from the neck down and unable to put you over his knee. Could you still love the person he is? Be sure your answer is yes before getting too involved.

  • Does he add to your life or detract from it?

  • Does he make you happy?

  • Is he intimately engaged with you, or emotionally distant and withholding? If the latter, run for the hills.

  • Is he reliable? Dependable? There for you in a crisis?

  • Can you be yourself with him, or do you feel a little uncomfortable with him? You need to be able to be yourself. He, too, needs to be able to be himself with you.

  • How does he treat other people in his life?

  • Only once you have determined that your new man is worthy of your love should you take a step towards submission? Do not rush this. Take your time. Be sure. If he is worth it, he will wait for you to go through this process.

  • Find out his background and whether or not you could be on the same page. If he wants a BDSM slave and you want a deferential head of the household, you might not be compatible. How adapable are you both, and do you want to adapt?

  • If your efforts fail and you decide to end your relationship and look for another, be sure that you learn from any mistakes you may have made in this relationship.

by Sarah Cavendish: http://www.takeninhand.com/node/116

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Tags: doms:dominant, domineeringorditheringwimp?

Thursday December 7, 2006 - 07:52pm (EST)

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(12 total) Post a Comment

*hugggggggggggggggggggs* my ravensis, twirls her, dips her, and tweeks her cute little nose... thank you for this enlightening information! it's an excellent topic for those who are already on their path, as well as those who are contemplating sticking their toes in the waters to see how it feels. *hugggggggggggggs* you once more, and a pinch on your buttcheeks just for good measure *skotc*

Thursday December 7, 2006 - 07:35am (EST) Remove Comment

..thank you for this post...and for helping and informing all who are thinking or hoping to find a secure, loving relationship with a Dom....all very good points to be sure...*hugs raven tight*...its a winding road we sometimes travel when we are trying to sort out our feelings, insecurities, desires and wishes..having found my Someone i only hope that others find them too... you continually post articles and opinions that make us contemplate ourselves, and our journeys....and i appreciate it very much...sometimes i may not agree with you, but i enjoy learning your viewpoint and hearing your thoughts...((thank you HB for directing blonderaven to this site that allowed us to share in this dialogue *kisses*) *hugs blondesis*

Thursday December 7, 2006 - 02:22pm (CST) Remove Comment

The majority of what is said here could be applied to any partnership, D/s or not, and it makes me wonder which vanilla text the writer took this from and then added their two cents worth . It's fairly good advice in general but I have MAJOR issues with a couple of things said here, and so should anyone else reading it:

1. "Does he accuse you of being controlling? Danger!" - Excuse me, but if my girl claims to be "submissive" yet wants to keep topping from the bottom and making me dance to her pulling on the strings, I will CERTAINLY tell her that she is crossing the line! A Dom who doesn't pull his girl up on this sort of behaviour is being remiss to the relationship, and failing in his duty.

2. "Does he make you happy?" Anyone who goes through life asking themselves "Does he/she make me happy" will be miserable for the rest of their life. Why? Because NO-ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU!!! It is a myth that when you find your "One" you will be complete and happy for the rest of your life. Another person can never make you happy. Even if you are in the ideal relationship, there will be times when you are not happy and it will have absolutely nothing to do with the other person! Only YOU can make you happy by getting yourself into a place where you feel happy in general. To place the expectation of becoming happy by being with the right person is placing a responsibility on that person which they could never hope to achieve. No human being could! If you go through life believing that another person can make you happy, you will also lay the blame for your unhappiness on the other person when you are feeling down. How wrong is that?!!

Ask any mental health professional - only YOU can make you happy. To project that on another person is to do them the greatest disservice, and to leave you in a continuous state of misery.

In closing a word of advice to any who read this - beware of what you read online from so-called experts. A lot of it is a crock. Like any information you find on the internet, research research research, and find corroborating information in the outside world to back up what you are researching.

Friday December 8, 2006 - 08:06am (EST) Remove Comment

I agree with your points about making you happy.. i think it would have been better worded as.. are you happy in the relationship with this person... and if not, seek to identify why not.

In terms of controlling.. topping from the bottom is not really the way to go. However, feedback from a number of subbi sisters on the response to concerns they have sought to raise with Doms, or behaviours and boundaries that have been crossed do seem to have a common denominator... a response of "I'm the Dom.. you're the sub..I DECIDE" and the words.. "you are too controlling" or "not subbi enough" when these concerns are raised is quite common... and frankly, i consider the use of these phrases when a sub airs concerns to be unacceptable.. a sub is not a slave.

As an aside, this woman does not claim to be an expert but a submissive. This is her personal experience and advice. People are free to take it, dismiss it or amend it to suit their own situation.

I am delighted that the post has given cause for people to think and to seek to consolidate their own thoughts and form their opinions *smiles*

Friday December 8, 2006 - 12:50pm (EST) Remove Comment

A person accusing a sub of being controlling is not a Dom, but is domineering. A true Dom is secure enough in Himself and His relationship with His sub to be able to have concerns raised and discussed. As blonde says above, "a sub is not a slave". Rather a true sub is a strong independant person in a concensual power exchange and deserves to be treated with honour and respect.

Friday December 8, 2006 - 01:50pm (EST) Remove Comment

a lot of what you have wrote is just plain common sense
if they are many that need to be told this..then perhaps they should wait till they have grown up before starting a relationship..

Thursday December 7, 2006 - 09:02pm (PST) Remove Comment

ohhhhhhh bt common sense is, alas, not so common...*smiles*

Saturday December 9, 2006 - 12:46am (EST)

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