Sunday, June 21, 2009

D/s: Online D/s - Is It 'Real'?

Online D/s: Is It 'Real'?

Online D/s: Is It 'Real' magnify
Is It Real.. or merely a Figment
of Y/your Imagination?
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There are as many types of Doms and subs as there are individuals. And each relationship differs according to the partners and their needs.


Of course there are rules governing the relationship and these may be discussed and written in contract form between the Dom and the sub. In addition there are some rules and conventions commonly accepted within the D/s community and which ought to be heeded o/l if D/s and collaring in particular is the relationship of choice.

Then there is online (o/l) and real life (r/l). Whilst real life is fairly clear, online is somewhat more murky. However, when engaging in a D/s relationship even online the common denominator is that it IS after all, a D/s relationship that has been embarked upon by choice...not 'vanilla'.

D/s is a way of being; a lifestyle and when two people come together whether o/l or r/l the D/s aspect should inform and guide their interactions.


Initially getting to know one another, allowing a relationship to develop takes time. Please note, this is quite a seperate beast from the o/l experimenters and fantasists who may jump into a fairly heavy but short lived scene with little or no knowledge of the o/l partner. True D/s whether o/l or r/l depends on the growth of trust, respect, knowledge of each others boundaries and needs and agreement on a range of matters from how to address each other through to limits, tasks and duties, evidence of instructions being carried out, discipline, punishments and very, very important the limits and safety requirements of edge play.

In o/l although there may be no physical touching, technology has allowed real time camera, voice and keyboard conversations. This allows a level of intimacy and expression far and above anonymous typed words in a chatroom or via email. And here lies the first level of the blurring of boundaries between r/l and o/l.

Real life is easy in comparison. The person stands before you and can be touched, eyes can connect. All the senses are involved: taste, touch, scent, sight, hearing. Emotions are expressed verbally and non-verbally.

On line, if all available technology is engaged description is required in relation to sensation and scent. The skin may not touch, but the mind and the body and the heart can connect only too well. the interaction is now beyond a faceless person typing words on a keyboard.

In the D/s lifestyle, submission is not measured by physical touch or activities but by the measure of control the submissive is willing to surrender to the Dom. This control can cover a myriad of tasks, instructions and behaviours and all can be evidenced readily through new technology. It is very much a mind, voice and emotional connection.

So, when does D/s stop being a keyboard 'game' between anonymous players?

Perhaps when more of the senses are engaged?
When control is given, accepted and evidenced?
Perhaps when the time in voice and camera grows as the connection grows?
When voice and facial expression, non-verbal responses can be heard and seen?

Perhaps when eyes, expressions and non-verbal physical responses can be seen in real time?

The decision to stretch the boundary beyond keyboard and into some semblence of r/l begins when the two people cease to be nicknamed o/l faceless players and engage with each other to become real and multi-dimensional in all but physical touch and scent?

Many i have spoken to advise of a major shift when the words came off the page and into voice, when the nics were dropped, when the collaring (should it be agreed) takes place not between nics but between the real people behind the nics. When the level of intimacy increased to hours spent on voice... Making love and talking to each other ...voice and minds merging.... sometimes soothing, sometimes exciting... always connected.

To get a cam.. not for salacious purpose, but to show the face, the eyes, the expressions... the non-verbals.. adds another dimension, engages another sense. Although many are self conscious in front of cameras or reluctant to use them, fearing perhaps pressure to 'reveal all' or to 'perform', once the boundaries are set and agreed and the trust increased it may be very valuable to be able to match the words with the expressions... adding another layer; another human dimension. To see each others eyes is a remarkable gift for many.


The cam also provides a real time and immediate evidencing that the Dom's instructions are being carried out properly.

Cam also provides a level of security, Y/you see each other as Y/you REALLY are, in real time, not as a fictitious profile or photo may suggest...*lol* it's one way of at least establishing the gender and age of the person on the other end.!

Some thoughts to ponder....

  • What is a D/s relationship to Y/you
  • Where are the boundaries?
  • How valid are these relationships?
  • How do others regard their o/l relationships?
  • Does Y/your D/s relationship rely on physical discipline and punishment or BDSM activities? If so, how can these elements be incorporated O/line?

In response to rose's request i have posted this on the international sub space site

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/International_sub_space/
Tags: d/s:online:isitreal? | Edit Tags
Sunday December 3, 2006 - 11:54pm (EST)

Comments

(14 total) Post a Comment

nicely put together phoenix .. smiles ... thank you.

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 07:58am (EST) Remove Comment

Clear and well-written, and I thank you for that. You make some excellent points about bringing the online relationship more into the here and now. We always work with a certain amount of subjective reality (that which is existing only in your head and may or may not meet with consensual velidation) in any given day. Online is about 98% subjective reality, and as such you may have two people in one interaction but experiencing entirely different things! To say the least, any sense of control here is open to interpretation. How does the Dom/me handle resistance, respond to subtle cues, make an emotional connection? With some people it's possible to connect so closely that a sort of psychic bond develops (no, I'm not being all new-agey here- you know what the connection feels like). But this is exceedingly rare. I've personally only felt that once. In most conventional senses the more consensual reality you can bring to bear, the better it is for the relationship. We may still be blindsided by something another person thought they were communicating but weren't, etc. But the chances lessen.
Oh, don't get me started you know how I go on! This is why I enjoy reading you- you make me think!

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 05:35am (PST) Remove Comment

thanks blonde for making a/All of us think about what a D/s relationship brings to each of our lives. as always, you have hit the proverbial nail on the head! hugs and a smile...

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 08:53am (EST) Remove Comment

Everytime you write "explaining" the D/s lifestyle, I learn a little more. You're an amazing person, and you say things clearly and precise. Thank you for making a lifestyle that isn't for everyone, more understandable for all.

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 10:31am (EST) Remove Comment

Your description make D/s sound like it can be a lot of fun and enjoyment. I have never tried it but may have to conceder doing so some day, and with the right person.

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 09:41am (CST) Remove Comment

My views are very clear on this subject. O/L D/s is real, if you are seriouse about it. The relationship are valied, and the edidance can be found in the scores of happy coulple or broken hears scattered all over the net.
Thanks for posting this lil one. huggss

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 07:46am (PST) Remove Comment

Thanks br, you touched on so many aspects, exploring the progression. Growl

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 07:58am (PST) Remove Comment

Always interesting to read what you have to say. One thing you haven't touched on though is whether the online D/s relationship can really stay as online only and still flourish. I don't know the answer to this but I sort of feel that online may only be the start. If it works for both online and lasts could they resist not taking it further? I'd be very interested to have any comments from those with experience of this.

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 05:44pm (GMT) Remove Comment

Excellent post Raven, would you post it to the group? It would be great to share with the subbies on there:) hugs rose

Monday December 4, 2006 - 06:55am (NZDT) Remove Comment

thank you sis. a very well written and informative piece if i may say so. any piece you write about D/s is always informative. I know i take my relationship and subsequent collaring very seriously but there are many out there who see it as a game forgetting that real lives and emotions are involved. Thank you again. huggggggggggggggggggggs

Sunday December 3, 2006 - 06:09pm (GMT) Remove Comment

"Real life is easy..."? Hmmm...can't agree there. In real life you are largely warts and all, what you see is what you get, whereas O/L give one every oportunity to don a mask and let you be whatever you want the other person to perceive you as. Despite the added "safety" of the telephone and a cam, there is still that pysical barrier. I'm not saying that in r/l you can't be a liar, cheeter, deceiver or whatever, it's just a heck of a lot easier to do it online. And I have seen it done to both sub and Dom so many times, between couples who appeared to be beacons of the D/s world.

No, r/l is not easy. Ordinary relationships are not easy, they require hard work to make them last and sometimes we fail at that. A real time D/s relationship is so much harder because of all the added dimensions that it brings to the relationship. Maybe that's why people opt for the o/l only option - it's easier.

Monday December 4, 2006 - 09:25am (EST) Remove Comment

Agreeing and disagreeing with Scarecrow.

Personally I think no relationships are easy, online or offline. Online just has the advantage of being able to log out/turn the computer off when things get hard and to block/delete when its over.

Monday December 4, 2006 - 05:05pm (NZDT) Remove Comment

Raven, as always, thank you. You have been a wealth of infomation. And, looking up, agreeing with the other blonde, too,with one exception. R/L you can block the person's number, walk away and not look back. Not a hell of a lot different than logging out....

Monday December 4, 2006 - 07:47am (EST) Remove Comment

In response to Scarecrow.

I read the article to mean not that real life relationships were easy per se, but rather that Y/you know Y/you are really in a D/s relationship. O/l relationships can be just as real as You have said and I agree that there are many hurt and disillusioned o/l participants across the world. D/s is not about sex but rather an power exhange. This can be just as real o/l especially given the level of technolgy that exists currently.

A very thought prevoking article blonde.

Tuesday December 5, 2006 - 11:36am (EST)

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