Online D/s: Fantasy, Myth and Reality

Online D/s: Fantasy, Myth and Reality

I have reproduced the article below from a site I particularly enjoy, A Different Loving's Submissive Women Speak. Although not agreeing with all opinions in the article it does raise some issues that I do consider essential for consideration.

In prefacing my own opinions, it is perhaps useful to understand a little of the origins of my opinions. I come from 20+ years of r/l collaring. So my worldview is based in the main on that experience. I have never know what is fondly termed a 'vanilla' relationship, not do I ever expect to. I also specialised at post-grad university level in clinical sex therapy and spent three years conducting evening clinics at [my] university; my specialty area paraphilia's, and in particular BDSM and D/s.


Recently I have been exposed to the online world. This has been alternatively an enjoyable, interesting, amusing, exasperating and distressing experience.


There are clearly r/l D/s people online, there are also people exploring this particular paraphilia in a relatively safe environment as well as those to whom D/s and BDSM is an occasional but enjoyable kink within which to immerse themselves for varying lengths of time.


The problem for people who are genuinely interested in pursuing the lifestyle is trying to sort the wheat from the chaff.


We all know of the submissive who flutters her silks and glistens in the light of the fire, gushing thank you Master and falling at His feet at every opportunity, and we know of so-called Doms who wander into rooms bellowing a demand for a slave or sub for a day (oh puhleeze..*rolls eyes*).


Then there are those who are submissive and or/dominant only with a particular on-line partner and to whom D/s is a game played online with a specific other (not a bad thing as long as both know that there are other nics, partners and games engaged in).


The ones that provide the greatest source of amusement are the doms who seemingly trot through chat sites with an armful of collars (presumably purchased wholesale) desperately seeking subs or slaves... ahem.. *coughs delicately* ... getting to know people first, undertaking negotiations, clarifying expectations and being up-front and honest about real life experience as a Dom is a better start! On the subs part, questions will be put to the prospective Dom that will require answers.. clear, comprehensive answers. Then, once the sub has decided that the Dom is right for him/her a petition will be made and negotiations commence. This is rarely a love match in the beginning, so an element of pragmatism is always useful at this point.


Then there are the roleplayers who do not read the profiles or to whom the terms r/l sub or r/l Dom are meaningless because of sheer ignorance (these poor petals have probably just left an S&M porn site and feel like a bit of free cyber). A word to the wise.. Lit is not a pay site filled with sex industry professionals that exist for your masturbatory fulfillment , there are plenty of pay cyber and phone sex sites that will provide the service required!


The most insidious though are those who have learnt the terminology and can talk the talk, talk a good game..but who would not have the first clue about how to walk the walk. They have never taken full responsibility for another and consider D/s to be an occasional sexual tittilation. ..and it is these who do the most damage with their ignorance and half-baked ideas and flimsy concepts. These people lead on the other as they would another role player and this is cruel when the other is engaged in the relationship in good faith. These imbecilic charlatans cause pain and hostility and to my mind, deserve every bit of criticism they attract. I am currently aware of three such cases and the damage the charlatans have done to the 'in-good-faith' Doms and subs with their stupid, ignorant and self-aggrandizing games is reprehensible.


The following article " Qualities of a Successful Dominant" by Peachum is interesting and in particular discusses some of the difficulties in transferring an online D/s relationship into real life. I do hope you enjoy it....

Qualities of A Successful Dominant

"The Problems Started After I Moved In"

When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation.

Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.

Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say.

Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography. Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenents accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it's very easy to learn what these are--you know, inanities like "safe, sane, and consensual" and "the best tops started out as bottoms"--and then rattle them off like a parrot) you'll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) "loving" dominant, a paragon of the Scene.

It's incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance. It's so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this "act," they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such "dominants" begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be superdoms, even though they've never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life.


Such a superdork, er--excuse me--superdom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, lovestruck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.


Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you.


Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochistically than have the ability to do it well.


To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant's part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.


As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)--even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive -- requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freakouts, resistances, and confusions in one's submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship. Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties --at first--with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It's not a matter of being "submissive enough." It's entirely a matter of training and experience.



The most willing and compliant submissive isn't born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master's needs first. Nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.


The early "hell" years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who's actually "grown up" and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else's life. When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for "forcing" her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it's awfully hard if you've had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But "getting back" at a resistant or upset submissive who's wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power. Your submissive learns that you can't control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you're really just an angry, scared, or wounded little child.

Courtesy of MsTags.com

As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.


There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.

Next article/..Minimum Requirements of A Dominant

Comments

(7 total) Post a Comment

• [dele…

Actually I like that site too. Submissive loving? Interesting views

Monday November 13, 2006 - 09:30pm (PST) Remove Comment

• Scare…
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Awesome, blonde. An excellent article! Very timely too. I liked your comments and I really can relate. Thank you for posting this.

Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 04:37pm (EST) Remove Comment

• THE B…
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ty for Your feedback Sirs..*smiles*

Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 05:43pm (EST) Remove Comment

• [dele…

I didn't see your credit to the site. Of course I have seen the same articles on different sites before so nothing new. And of course your welcome.

Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 05:32am (PST) Remove Comment

• THE B…
• Offline

credit at the bottom of each page and in the first paragraph of the first article *smiles*

Wednesday November 15, 2006 - 02:07am (EST) Remove Comment

• [dele…

I noticed when reading back over your latest post. It's at a couple of places as I had remembered reading it over at www.submissiveloving.com . Thanks

Tuesday November 14, 2006 - 10:18am (PST) Remove Comment

• ~bekk…
• Offline

great article blonde... thanks for sharing it with us! hugs...

Wednesday November 22, 2006 - 08:25am (EST) Remove Comment

article from: www.submissivewomenspeak.net