Male & female Friendships

Further on cross-gender friendships.. the jury is no longer out on the subject, but there are some clear generational differences in perception.

Today's generation is more clannish in nature as young males and females 'travel' through life as a mixed gender group without necessarily having romantic entanglements. Close inter-gender friendships satellite out from the main group and there is a greater sense of relaxation and taken-for-grantedness about these friendships..*smiles* .. a little less 'nudge nudge knowing smirk'.

i was in the crossover-generation' - i think. On reflection my closest friends have always been males and my daughter's closest friends are males. That is not to say that there are no female friends, but the 4am still talking about life, the universe and everything over a bourbon is where the male friends are at their best. OK.. so there are always hiccups when they get a new girlfriend, but once they realise there is no sexual spark in the friendship, things usually pan out pretty well. Of course there have been the occasional insecure socially inept varieties..but they usually don't last long. Friendship tends to transcend fleeting romances and accommodate to long term relationships.

So what are the benefits of

inter-gender friendships?

According to Linda Sapadin (1):

Men benefit more from cross-sex friendship than women:

Males gather to play sports or travel or talk stock quotes; rarely do they share feelings or personal reflections. This may explain why they seem to get far more out of cross-sex friendship than their female counterparts. In Sapadin's study, men rated cross-sex friendships as being much higher in overall quality, enjoyment and nurturance than their same-sex friendships. What they reported liking most was talking and relating to women--something they can't do with their buddies.

Meanwhile, women rated their same-sex friendships higher on all these counts. They expect more emotional rewards from friendship than men do, explains Sapadin, so they're easily disappointed when they don't receive them.

"Women confide in women," notes Blieszner. "Men confide in women." (2)

There are benefits for women too. With men, women can joke and banter without any emotional baggage. "Friendships with men are lighter, more fun," says Sapadin. "Men aren't so sensitive about things." Some women in her study also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they got from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was getting some insight into what guys really think.

Cross-sex friendships are emotionally rewarding:

Ironically, most male-female friendships resemble women's emotionally-involving friendships more than they do men's activity-oriented relationships (3) ,

Werking found that the No. 1 thing male and female friends do together is talk one-on-one.

Other activities they prefer--like dining out and going for drives--simply facilitate that communication. In fact, Werking found, close male-female friends are extremely emotionally supportive if they continuously examine their feelings, opinions and ideas. "Males appreciate this because it tends not to be a part of their same-sex friendships," she says. "Females appreciate garnering the male perspective on their lives."

Cross-sex friendships are not about sex:

"In reality, sex isn't always on the agenda," says Werking. "That could be due to sexual orientation, lack of physical attraction or involvement in another romantic relationship."



Even friends who are attracted to each other may also recognize that qualities they tolerate in a friendship wouldn't necessarily work in a serious romantic relationship. And after years of considering someone as a friend, it often becomes difficult to see a cross-sex pal as a romantic possibility. Of pairs that do face the question of lust, those that decide early on to bypass an uncertain romantic relationship are more likely to have an enduring friendship.

1) Sapadin, L. Friendship and Gender: Perspectives of Professional Men and Women. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Vol. 5, No. 4, 387-403 (1988)

2) Blieszner, R. (2001). “She’ll be on my heart”: Intimacy among friends. Generations, XXV(2), 48-54.

3)Werking, K. We're Just Good Friends (Guilford, 1997)

Comments

(4 total) Post a Comment

• [dele…

*smiles warmyl, hugs tightly* thank you for posting this. it hits close to home for me since one of my best friends in the world is a male. Words sometimes don't seem to describe the friendship that Pete and i share.. and those who see it undoubtedly always assume there is some underlying physical attraction.. that somehow the two of us are just being sneaky with the real reasons that we are friends. In Pete i have a kindred spirit.. someone who i can share every joy, every sorrow, every moment of my life with. i thank God for bringing him into my life on a daily basis. And i thank you for bringing some light onto a friendship that i value more than most. bless you and be well.. xoxox

Monday April 23, 2007 - 08:53am (PDT) Remove Comment

• THE B…
• Offline

another point raised via email needs to be posted here.. but i will qualify that this blog is about PLATONIC friendships on both parts..

However, this very valuable point was forwarded by a reader:

"You leave one point out of your cross gender friendship....The fact that the woman[blonderaven: or the guy] might have another idea on where she wants the friendship to lead.

There is often interest on one or both part at various times.. and if one is in a relationship .. whether intended or not causes the outside party to feel hurt by that friendship. Feeling there is a phantom 3rd party to the friendship.

Tuesday April 24, 2007 - 02:32am (EST) Remove Comment

• Capt.…
• Offline

As it was pointed out so well in the movie, "When Harry Met Sally" men and women cannot be friends, until the subject of sex is dealt with. Either the actual having, or the understanding that it will not happen. may seem a bit shallow, but I agree with the philosophy behind it.

I've called precious few people in My life as "friend", but a good number of those were/are indeed women. I'd like to say My motivations were pure, however, I have to be honest. My reasoning was this...what better way to get to "know Thy enemy?"

Excuse Me now, as I must remain a step ahead of the inevitable Lynch Mob.

Monday April 23, 2007 - 02:24pm (CDT) Remove Comment

• ஜღcat…
• Offline

interesting question dear sister .. i caught this article the other day ..wow .. i think all and all they can be friends .. a lot of valid points brought up in the comments section on both blogs .. i've had a few good men friends in my lifetime .. i don't know why some find it hard to believe that men and women can be just friends.. sometimes there just isnt any sexual chemistry ..
~tight hugs n lots of love~ mwwahhhhhhhhhh

Tuesday April 24, 2007 - 04:13am (CDT)