Sunday, June 21, 2009

Open letter from a Masochist to A Feminist


An Open Letter from a Masochist to A Feminist
by Cecilia Tan*

Well, I understand you are worried about me now that you know I'm a woman into SM. You want to keep me from becoming a victim of violence and psychological damage. But let me assure you, my involvment in SM has made me less susceptible to violence and damage, not more. SM has taught me valuable things about emotional safety and my rights as an individual that all the anti-rape education in the world didn't teach me.

First off, I know you worry because I am a masochist. Self-destructive, dangerous! you think. Let me put it in a different light. Masochism, for the self-assured masochist, is what makes some people successful. It is the knowledge that you can suffer through anything, whether it is long hours at the office, all-nighters for end of term projects, long distance running, and ENJOY it in the process. When I put myself through something rigorous, I enjoy it, whether it is running in a long-distance race, or pulling an all-nighter to meet a deadline, or tackling a plate full of the hottest tacos this side of Texas. I think most athletes are this type of accomplished masochist. There are the physiological effects, like endorphin production they call 'runner's high,' but there is also a deeper psychological satisfaction in it, an assurance, a confidence. There is something about us that feels whole when we have gone through rigor, something akin to the job well done.

Now, to take that type of masochism into the erotic realm. You've heard the words consent, consensual, consensuality, all meaning that the bottom fully agrees to receive the attention the top will give her. A masochist is looking to be put through the wringer, and wants a top who can give her the kind of physical experience she craves. The bottom receives the experience, which triggers the physiological response and the resulting emotional satisfaction. We haven't yet begun to talk about control. The illusion is that the top is 100% in control, while the bottom (perhaps bound up, blindfolded, etc...) has none whatsoever. This is not the actual case. In a fully consensual situation, the bottom has the power to say stop or go.

Now, to go one step further. Say I'm in a scene in which I am getting flogged. I know I have the ultimate power to say stop if at any time I feel like I'm not enjoying myself or I'm not happy (say, if I got a cramp in my foot, or if my poison ivy makes the flogging annoying rather than pleasurable). As a masochist, I am trying to push myself, to see how much I can take, like seeing how far one can run before the legs give out. Just like when running, one can push onesself farther when someone else is involved, either a jogging partner or a coach. In the case of the flogging, the someone else is the person doing the flogging. If she is reading me well, she will be able to guide me along further than I "know" I can go, she'll know when to slow down, and when to try for one more lap. Here the bottom lets the top have control, trusting the top the way the athlete trusts the coach. The top takes the bottom places that the bottom couldn't go alone. So, although the bottom has the ultimate control (the power to say no), the bottom allows the top to be the guide. This is the great fun of being an SM bottom, is finding these new places the top can take you.

Now the step beyond that. If I allow a top to take me somewhere through a scene, I am giving my cooperation. The step beyond cooperation is obedience. And the step beyond mere obedience, in which the bottom truly gives up her will-power, is submission....



I had given over my will to him, not merely cooperated. He couldn't "break" me, but I did bend of my own accord. Ultimately, what it proved to me is that no one can "take" control away from you in a scene, you can only give it away. I gave my will freely in that moment, which was real, not an illusion. There can only be the illusion of "taking" control in a scene. (When someone really takes control, that's what I call rape, and that's not what we do.)

The trappings of bondage, of SM, are all about that illusion of one person taking control from the other. We love that illusion, that's the thrill that tugs at our guts. We are reenacting a fantasy of the top taking control from the bottom. Because I understand the inner workings of power exchange I can play with will-power and feel confident that I am safe when I do so.

It is only through SM and hands-on contact with consensuality that I am able to understand the workings so clearly. When you say you worry that playing this way I am likely to suffer psychological damage, I find rather that it is more likely that people (women especially) injure themselves when they enter erotic situations without any understanding of the exchange of power. It is these situations that lead to date rape, to victimization.

Consensuality goes beyond the mere agreement of both partners to participate in a will-power role play. It embraces a larger obligation on the part of the partners to communicate, to inform one another, to cooperate. In addition, within the S/M community, people know that they have a right to say "stop" or

"no." A _right_ in the sense that it is a community enforced standard, available to all, not just a privileged few.

Consensuality is not just about sex, it is about interaction on many levels. In an SM scene, if one partner said something that the other didn't like, that made her cringe or feel badly, she would stop the scene to talk about it before going on. But how many wives stop their husbands in the middle of dinner to say "When you say that you make me feel like a child" or "Don't talk about my parents that way"? Not enough of them. I know S/M couples who have a safeword they use when they get into a meaningless bickering session. Now, what if everyone had that?

It makes sense that the S/M fringe developed this respect for emotional safety as well as physical safety. We who play on the edge, who play with fire, are most likely to get burned. We have developed the reflexes necessary to allow ourselves to play in the dangerous areas. It is a bit like seat belts. Originally designed to protect race car drivers and other daredevils, now we have them in all our cars. Could the lessons the S/M community has learned someday be transmitted to the world at large?

Imagine if the women's community at large embraced this right--the right to say stop or no at any time. How many date rapes happen not because the woman says "no" and her partner does not stop, but because she never said ANYTHING AT ALL? Many. It happened to me when I was young and didn't know my rights. Now I know better. Armed with the knowledge that I do have the right to say no, I do not feel victimized by the date rape in my past. It was an unfortunate incident that I have grown beyond, because I have learned a better way.

More women need to learn this way, the dynamics of power exchange, the confidence and assurance that come with it. Women need to demand the rights of informed consent and negotiation. Men aren't going to come around to granting us this right on their own. It is something all women, all people need to claim for themselves, and to do that, they need to understand it.

Sadly, it seems to be feminists who are keeping them from understanding. The lessons of emotional safety that the SM community has learned and refined can not be transmitted to others so long as we are attacked for being unsafe, for doing psychic damage to women, for being evil. Feminists who condemn S/M as violence against women are cutting off the one missing piece in their struggle for equality.

Modes of social interaction, like language, must be learned through experience, through the group-mind. We can talk about this concept of consensuality all day, but the SM community is the only place where it lives and breathes, where it is learned by all who pass through the community by example, by osmosis, by sociological pressure. I welcome women into my community as often as I can, but most of them are fearful and full of misconceptions because they have been told, oftem by feminists, that SM is violence against women, SM perpetuates oppression, SM will damage you. If women were more aware that safeguards, consensuality and negotiation were the basis of the scene, less of them would be afraid to try it.

I can only hope that you feminists will someday stop spreading the myths and overcome your fear long enough to pass through our doors yourselves and come out as empowered as I have. My sister, my friend, my lover, my mother, I am concerned for your safety, now.

* * Originally appeared in the anthology SOME WOMEN,
edited by Laura Antoniou, Masquerade Books, 1994.

what does consent mean to the submissive?
safety and respect
13
consent??? what's that???
1
when i don't consent i am punished.
1
Tags: submissionandfeminism | Edit Tags

Monday November 6, 2006 - 10:20pm (EST) Edit | Delete

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Comments

(9 total) Post a Comment

Great article, thank you

Monday November 6, 2006 - 06:45am (PST) Remove Comment

Great article. I don't happen to think that being a feminist or even a strong woman and being a submissive is mutually exclusive. It is because of the trust and the depth of the relationship that I can give my submission to the other person. Sadly, I think feminists and alot of others only see the downside of this. They are mostly exposed to and hear stories about those Dom/Dommes who are wannabes, not those who know what they are doing. Your poll was interesting. In my mind a Dom/Domme who punishes because one does not consent is not One at all. A true Dom/Domme pushes your limits without fear of punishment and garners your consent. Hugs! Mon

Monday November 6, 2006 - 11:47am (EST) Remove Comment

Thank you for sharing this article... I, too, wish more people - even vanilla people - understood and practiced SSC... As a submissive/masochist who is the property of an experienced Dom I have been taught that although he may have the control I have the power. Part of his responsibility is to know me well enough to know when I am too far into subspace to know when it is time to stop. I trust him because I know he takes this responsibility seriously. Enough of my rambling, thank you!!
Becky, property of Dennis

Monday November 6, 2006 - 12:54pm (CST) Remove Comment

What a great article Blonde! *cutting and pasting and sending to many I know who would like the info!* *ty*

Monday November 6, 2006 - 11:23am (PST) Remove Comment

Thank you for posting this. (((hugs)))

Monday November 6, 2006 - 08:20pm (EST) Remove Comment

As a sensitive new-age bloke, I am going to comment too:

Great article and I am glad you posted it.

I would be interested in seeing women of similar mind-sets writing on what submission (and I mean REAL submission) is to the liberated feminist. Masochism is not submission, although a submissive person can enjoy the dynamics of masochism. The writer touches on the subject here, but she is more focussed on what it means to be a masochistic feminist rather than a submissive feminist.

I would be interested in reading what one had to say.

Sensitive New-age Scarecrow (Damn, I need a facial and pedicure!)

Tuesday November 7, 2006 - 01:56pm (EST) Remove Comment

Consider it done Scarecrow... just give me a few days...

Tuesday November 7, 2006 - 09:14pm (EST) Remove Comment

no comment about whomever answered the second and third choices. just my 2 cents.

Wednesday November 8, 2006 - 08:25am (PST) Remove Comment

This subject fascinates me...I know I am late to read this - It takes a while to get around your blog beautiful blondie. I did a lot of reading into feminism and art during my uni studies especially concerning the objectification of women in art. Can you point me to other reading concerning feminism & submission as this is still an area of myself I am reconciling. M

Friday July 6, 2007 - 02:09pm (EST)
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