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The D/s Relationship.. some thoughts..
If Y/you are exploring D/s and haven’t yet read Loving Dominant by John Warren, I respectfully suggest Y/you consider doing so. There are many great books and articles on D/s, but this book is a particularly good start.
A good question posed is:
Do You want an easy relationship
with you as the unquestioned boss?Warren states that if your answer to the above is yes, then D/s is unlikely to be for you, for a Dom/sub relationship is more, not less complex than the pure vanilla. It contains all the elements of vanilla…. And then some!
Such a relationship requires more of the Dominant … because in exchange for the power given and received, the Dom must use that power for the benefit and pleasure of both participants. At the same time, because of the significant trust required and given, the Dom must be very sure that nothing he does is harmful to anyone in the relationship. Warren points out that this type of careful balancing act is not attractive to those wanting an easy ride.
Warren and others writing on the subject take great pains to emphasise that the Dom is responsible for the physical (easy right?), mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of His sub. Those last three are often ignored by dom wannabe's through either ignorance or selfish disinterest. Let’s reiterate… just in case anyone missed these four elements…
- Physical
- Mental
- Emotional
- Spiritual
The Nature of the Submissive:If you believe that a submissive is a person steeped in submission as a cultural norm or one who is malleable and dependent as a personality type … and that this woman is the one you seek for the power exchange that is the basis of D/s, here is something you may need to consider:
How can a powerless woman give the gift of submission? How can a powerless woman give power to another. How can she give what she does not have? And given the sensual element inherent in D/s, where is the sensual and or sexual ‘charge’ for such a woman and where if the ‘fire’ for the Dom? Warren puts it thus ‘they get no more of a sensual charge from their submission than an American woman hailing a cab!’
There is a general and widespread misunderstanding on the part of some wannabe doms and vanilla’s on the essence of submission. Many speak of the “submissive person’….but that is not correct…….
A better phrase is…
...’one who is submissive to’…
Warren considers that this ‘understandable error is created and compounded by playacting in the cyber world and misleading plots in pornographic novels’.
He points out… and this has certainly my experience and the experience of many others in ‘real life’ D/s…’that in the real world, the nature of the submissive is often quite different from those portrayed in fiction and fantasy.
These women are not submissive to just any man
who wants to play at being a dominant’.In fact, these women are strong people who seek someone stronger…an Alpha female seeking an Alpha male…by giving their considerable power to another they benefit from the contrast.
‘To shift willingly from power to powerlessness
gives their libido’s extraordinary jolts’.To a trusted dominant, such a woman will shed the total Alpha female, type A personality. Such a woman will not give power to another merely because that person happens to have a Y chromosome.
Indeed, many such women actively seek and select the person to whom they will submit. But it will not be an easy submission. He must be able and capable of managing the power exchange and of ensuring the four levels of well-being of his submissive.
To many doms, this woman, this gift of submission/level of power exchange is highly prized. Once trust is developed this couple will achieve a far stronger bonding than most conventional relationships. It is common for any advances made to either party from outsiders to be met with a dispassionate cold shoulder.
Many of the Doms i know have a phrase .... a soft, floppy pre-formed blancmange is not a gift, it is not a challenge! ...*LOL* in fact, if the Dom attempts to mould such a thing it will break apart and become a mushy mess; they seek strength and powerful women with whom to test their will. They seek to 'tame' what no other could.
So, it is time to broaden the perspective of submissives…..to the Dom… who is she?:
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- ~bekk…
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YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! finally someone who *gets* the lifestyle, lives the lifestyle, and respects the lifestyle!!! someone who is true to it online and r/t... *huggggggggggs the blonde one, twirling and dipping her* thanks sis for sharing this with all of us... :D
Wednesday December 6, 2006 - 10:54am (EST) Remove Comment
What was the name of the movie the clip came from? Ok as far as the writting, of course I agree with it, it is well done. There is other ways of looking at it, as far as from different angles, or points of view. There is some discussion going on in a few blogs about submission, the gift- and they are also spoken of by Goreans(?) and it shows there intake on it. Looking at it from their way, it is different. I have been around, read the books, etc etc- I know and understand both sides and veiws. Perhaps in time, after enough reading, they, too will understand. Perhaps. Any ways- like always, well done!
Wednesday December 6, 2006 - 02:45pm (EST) Remove Comment
- Aragorn
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A very good blog. I've just finished re reading the 2nd edition of the book and was struck again by the point you have raised. I cannot relate to the attitude of some Doms to their subs as I look through different forums. Well done
Thursday December 7, 2006 - 09:32am (EST) Remove Comment
so this means desert is hazardous to my health?
Some like a challenge some just want for a comfortable chair.
There's also a good article on the submissive alpha female at "Taken in hand" here
http://www.takeninhand.com/node/489
and like all good discussions with their pro's and con's it will go on..and on
Wednesday December 6, 2006 - 04:18pm (PST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
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*smiles softly* ..and it is my hope that this will generate at least some discussion within the self.
For too long, in my humble )lol) Alpha female view, there has been an imbalance in the understanding of the nature of subs and submission... many think of and 'know' the submissive, sweet gentle female...
...but few speak of the warrior Alpha female.... the A-type personality female who has both power and control in her personal life and who guards this very carefully ..
Thank you for the reference Heartless.. i shall enjoy reading it and appreciate your sharing your knowledge with U/us.
... and to relinquish even part of this is very difficult and can only be to He who has demonstrated strength and is completely trustworthy.
and yes... smiles verrry slowly.... the tamed Alpha sub can offer a verrrrry sweet and satisfying desert... *lol*.. perhaps it is the difference between a bowl of supermarket purchased ice-cream and a home-made tiramasu... *w*
Thursday December 7, 2006 - 03:02pm (EST) Remove Comment
- range…
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...even though i am not an Alpha blonderaven..i still can be in control and in charge of my personal life. ...and i dont think i've ever been referred to as supermarket ice-cream.....its a matter of finding what is right for yourself and being true to that...i dont claim to be something i'm not and will never try to be something i can never be...i am me... i just hope and wish to be accepted and loved for that....
Thursday December 7, 2006 - 02:12pm (CST) Remove Comment
while it may be considered acceptable to toot ones own horn especially when seeking. I don't think you will find many happy if it is insinuated that it somehow makes you better than anyone else.
Thursday December 7, 2006 - 10:19pm (PST) Remove Comment
- eroti…
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Smiles.....huggggs Sis .... very well said .as usual ... smiles ty for such wise words ...
Friday December 8, 2006 - 03:58am (CST) Remove Comment
- THE B…
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Smiles.. the insinuation is in the interpretation of the reader ... but sometimes that which requires that little more effort in the shaping provides a reward that was well worth it. Not all tasks are equal in the same way that not all submissives and Dominant are the same. But i do believe that the Alpha female has been put down in relation to her femininity in a number of ways and has had to fight for her successes often in rigid patriarchal systems. Often she is in positions of power over men. To find a Dom who can earn her trust and guide her to freedom as a woman, to safely release her submissive nature ... indeed to even 'see' that side of her in the first place whilst at the same time encouraging her external achievements... that Dom is often difficult to find. When He is found and the match made ... .......
Saturday December 9, 2006 - 08:00pm (EST) Remove Comment
- Aragorn
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Understand that an alpha female is not the job she does, such as a CEO, a teacher a stay at home mum, but rather the nature of the individual. An alpha is a strong willed, determined, confident person. To subjugate or have this person relinquish control to You is the mark of a Real Dominant. If You are looking for the comfy chair then sadly You are looking for a short cut to what being a Dominant is about. Perhaps You are not really cut out for this lifestyle. No one said being a Dominant was easy. In terms of any relationship style You can choose, this is one of the hardest ones out there.
Saturday December 9, 2006 - 08:20pm (EST) Remove Comment
Understand Aragorn that I have met alpha females, submissive ones much before this discussion. It was not meant as disrespect to believe that they are the same as other people in the respect that one is not better than the other. Different yes, harder yes again, more satisfying? That is in the eye of the beholder. It is my opinion a true dominant will function by consent rather than by force. If his nature is one that atttracts the consent of a alpha female and that is what he desires then by all means that is what he should seek. If it is not and or he does not seek one then he should look elsewhere. I don't think there are any shortcuts when talking about relationships with females D/s or not and just because one doesn't display herself as alpha or have those traits it doesn't mean their submision will be easy one or a lessor one. The reference to an easy chair was a atttempt at humor. Hard is not always better. Yes it is up to individual not only in what they seek as a profession but in all other areas of their life. I don't expect my preferences to be the same as yours and don't expect you to think mine should be either. I think if we disagree we can respectfully agree to do so and not in a condescending manner. If not then my part in this discussion is over.
Sunday December 10, 2006 - 02:11pm (PST) Remove Comment
Actually I want to thank you for this blog post BR. If made me rethink my thoughts on this. I don't have a definative answer to what alpha is but it made me think and determine the qualities I look for in a sub. They might not always be the defination of alpha as a social leader in a commuity like you find in most definations but they are always strong women who aren't swayed easily by just anyone or anything. I'm not going to rattle on and on.. I just came back to say thanks for a subject that made me think.
Monday December 18, 2006 - 06:58am (PST)
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