Negotiation in D/s: The Beginning Phase.. What is It?

i was asked recently to explain what was meant by 'negotiations' in terms of a D/s relationship. In addition to referring Y/you to Aragorn and my previous blogs on this, i'll see if i can explain further.

It may be important to note that this relates to a real time/offline circumstance, but is easily adopted for online.

i will begin by possibly offending some P/people. i consider this important enough to risk that, so if Y/you don't like what follows Y/you have a few choices:

1) Don't read on

2) Suck it up

3) Shelve any indignation and just think about it

Most of Y/you know i take D/s relationships very seriously...whether online or offline. i tend not to think in terms of roleplay, fantasy, play dates for mutual masturbatory gratification or 'virtual' pairings. Clearly they are fun but in most cases seem to be very short-lived...something to do with the time warp that exists on the net perhaps. So let's be clear. i am talking here about the intent to establish medium to long term relationships.

Any relationship that B/both want to make last is a serious matter and involves more than two P/people. Eventually the two will incorporate into each O/other's lives and will have an impact on home, family, social networks, leisure time and possibly work as well. For these reasons, this is not something to rush into impulsively or amble into blindly.

D/s brings to the table a whole raft of other elements. The biggest of which is that the individuals place T/themselves and T/their relationship firmly in a social and sexual sub-culture with all that THAT entails.

There is within this D/s sub-cultural relationship a deliberate and expressed INTENT to embark upon a level of power exchange within the context of this sub-culture ... but what level is sought and what level is possible in offline and online terms?

If W/we accept that D/s is based firmly in psychological need to dominate or be submissive W/we can see that there is a wide continuum along which the couple may sit. It is advisable to identify where B/both are on that continuum. While offline can incorporate pretty well anything, online is somewhat more restricted... as Aragorn pointed out in His blog, there are some activities that do require an actual physical body...*smiles*

In terms of offline, Aragorn and i set about negotiating the boundaries of the relationship based on the acceptance that W/we were going to have a relationship of some form... whether as Mentor to ward, Trainer to submissive or Dom to submissive. The relationship was D/s in nature because the reason for embarking upon it was the recognition that He was a Dom and i a submissive so the first step for U/us was agreeing that this was the framework within which W/we would interact.

Having agreed on that the next phase was ... well, that's in the blogs, so i don't need to repeat it here... so let's skip to the BIG Question.... why do W/we embark on a negotiation phase at all?

Quite simply because this phase is where W/we get to know more about each other as individuals but also within a D/s framework. If over this period it emerges that O/our outlook, preferences, philosophy and expectations differ it is a signal to stop at that point and communicate and negotiate - for example:

• If O/one is strongly into Sado-masochism and the O/other is not it is unlikely that this partnership will last. Best to call it quits right there.
• 
• If in an online joining O/one decides that taking the relationship offline is sought and the O/other for whatever reason is non-negotiable on this point and requires ONLY an electronic medium relationship. Best to call it quits right there.

v

• If O/one requires exclusivity and fidelity whether online or offline and the O/other prefers an 'open' relationship, or a relationship which allows only O/one to 'play around' then if this cannot be negotiated to the satisfaction of B/both, best to call it quits right there.

  

• If O/one seeks a 24/7 TPE and the O/other a once weekly contact based on sexual activity only, this would need to be discussed and negotiated. If no agreement can be reached which will satisfy the time and commitment needs of B/both, best to call it quits.

These are only a few examples, but Y/you get the idea i hope.

Note also that the negotiation phase does not incorporate 'collaring'. Collaring whether online or offline should hold the same deep level of commitment in my opinion.

So in short, the purpose of entering negotiations in a D/s context means exactly that:

• It is a commitment to invest time getting to know O/one another in the context of D/s as well as on an I/individual basis.
• It is the period where, if there are any areas of identified non-negotiation there is agreement that these will be immediately discussed as a matter of priority.

It is a measure of the usefulness and wisdom of embarking on a negotiation phase that conscious intent governs this phase. So if the D/s couple announces that are 'in negotiations' it is a signal that T/they are exploring the potential of a relationship seriously and in a deliberate, openly communicative and strategic manner rather than just 'going with the flow' or 'following their bliss/lust'.

It is the period during which strong foundations for the future may be built, or a halt may be called. Whatever the outcome - it is a measure of the wisdom and the commitment and mutual investment of the couple to take T/their future relationship seriously.

i hope this has clarified the purpose and some of the elements involved.

Tags: d/snegotiation:thepurpose | Edit Tags

Friday April 20, 2007 - 06:30pm (EST) Edit | Delete

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Comments

(6 total) Post a Comment

• ⊱ღ⊰ l…
• Offline

i always enjoy your blogs hun even tho i may not comment as much as i should on them i do actually read them.. i find them insightful and i find they teach me alot about being a submissive.. i suppose you could call your page my Dom/Trainer.. lmfao.. no really ty so much for all your blogs and just like the rest of them this one is absolutely fantastic... thanks hun huggggs and love to you

Friday April 20, 2007 - 06:55pm (EST) Remove Comment

• eroti…
• Offline

hugggggggggs sis... smiles.. excellent information i enjoyed reading it ...i hope it helps some understand how important this stage is...thanks again for a great post

Friday April 20, 2007 - 04:06am (CDT) Remove Comment

• ~bekk…
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thank you sis for posting this blog... it's important information (along with yours and Aragorn Sir's various blogs on Y/your negotiations) for anyone who wishes to explore a deep D/s relationship, specifically offline but possibly online. kudos again sis *huggggggggggggs*

Friday April 20, 2007 - 07:40am (EDT) Remove Comment

• **sen…
• Offline

wonderfully written as always, i enjoy reading every blog you write sis, always very informative, i usually go away with some of my unasked questions answered, if that makes sense *hugggggggggs*

Friday April 20, 2007 - 09:42am (PDT) Remove Comment

• Capt.…
• Offline

Talk, talk, talk...geeze..doesn't anyone just fuck anymore? :: Sigh ::...apologies for the banal humor, but hasn't this topic been done to death? If the thick headed don't get it by now, they never will.

Sunday April 22, 2007 - 08:46pm (CDT) Remove Comment