Sunday, June 21, 2009

He Looks like a Dom and Quacks like a Dom, but is he really a Dom?

He Looks like a Dom and Quacks like a Dom,
but is he really a Dom?

333 magnify
'... emotional, financial, or personal stability, the things that in my opinion establish a foundation for someone to control another person ...' (Sensuous Sadie)

Discussion and thoughts to consider from DomSubFriends Society


He Looks like a Dom and Quacks like a Dom, but is he really a Dom?
By Sensuous Sadie


Thoughts on the difference between appearing to be in control, and actually being in control




What is Control ?



  • Control over his environment, and of me is a very particular kind of control.
  • Similarly, to control another person, we must be able to control our own lives. This does not mean never having fun or being spontaneous, but rather that each of us creates our lives and takes responsibility for what we have created.
  • To be able to demonstrate that my life is what I have chosen, rather than a bit of flotsam and jetsam tossed about in the storm.


How do we know which is which?




The challenge then is to identify Dominants who are actually in control, not just acting.



My approach is to ignore the visual and sexual trappings, what the person says, wears, and acts – even whether or not they have a submissive. Instead, I look at:



  • How they are managing their lives.
  • Are they passionate about their work?
  • Are they responsible parents?
  • Have they been able to sustain a long-term relationship?
  • Are they living in a comfortable home?
  • Are they emotionally stable?



Is he or she in Control, or Controlling?




Being "in control" is a bit of a loaded term, so let's look at some related issues. One is the distinction is between being "in control" and being "controlling."


Being in control is about being certain and sure-footed about who you are and what you are doing. When you are dominant with those around you, you are allowing others the benefit of this control.


Being controlling is about being insecure and demanding that others assure you that you are okay. It is the antithesis of, and yet is often mistaken for real dominance.



Can we judge Submissives by the same Yardstick?


Another interesting side issue is whether we can apply these same ideas to submissives. Does their ability to control their own lives relate directly to their ability to actually submit, versus only appearing to submit?


Submissives are rarely measured by their ability to control their own lives, but a submissive whose career, financial life, and social network are in shambles is clearly not someone who is prepared to engage in any exchange of power.


Giving someone control of a messed up existence is not a gift,
but a burden.


Stacey agrees with me, saying, "Many submissives are strong individuals and their submission is to a strong partner, not to the world at large.

There has to be a tension (in a good sense) between two people who are equal in strength and completeness, a push and pull between worthy opponents.

What thrill is there for a Dominant in having someone weak surrender their teeny bit of weakness?"


Article quoted in part: By Sensuous Sadie.SensuousSadie@aol.com or www.sensuoussadie.com


I think these are great points to ponder. They are aspects to consider if the goal is a r/t D/s relationship. These aspects are probably less less important in chatroom roleplay, o/l relationships and single or short term 'play' or attendance at parties or dungeon scenes where the goal is a different form of connection.


POLL:

A self -professed Dom over 35 still lives with a healthy mother..is he...
a Peter Pan with an Oedipus complex playing D/s puter games
28
Demonstrably capable of taking responsibility for a sub?
0
An independent man in charge of his own life and the Dom of your dreams
3
Tags: domspaperdomsandwannabes | Edit Tags

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 04:54am (EST) E


Comments

(14 total) Post a Comment

Very interesting post....makes me evaluate my own Domishness.

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 01:01pm (EST) Remove Comment

Going down the checklist, thinking about some of the "doms" and Doms i've run across. Smiling, and nodding. At least I know where mine falls.

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 01:03pm (EST) Remove Comment

*smiles at blondesis* thank you for sharing yet another informative article regarding "the lifestyle". sorting out the chaff is always good, and the checklist should be used by all submissives when deciding if the One that he/she is playing with really knows what He is doing or not... *twirls away with her tiara securely attached to her head*

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 01:18pm (EST) Remove Comment

*s* Great post, honey. Particularly timely and topical, no? *grins* Thanking you, thanking you, thanking you, thanking you. *s*

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 11:21am (PST) Remove Comment

Very good post, sis. I'm glad that you touched on both sides of the issue.

As for that "Dom". I'm sure if you'd hazard a peek under the skirt you'd find that his sorry ass is still bright pink from the spankings.

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 11:40am (PST) Remove Comment

Yes, One needs to be in control of Ones own life before attempting to convince another they can control them. Cavaet Emptor! (Buyer Beware!) applies as always. There is no "try before you buy". Be SURE before you leap.

A controlling person, "Dom" or "sub" (quotes denote psydonyms), is not in control - rather they are compensating for their own deep deep fears of inferiority, insecurity, and a chronic low self-image. A Person in control embraces their flaws, makes them part of their personality, is determined to work on them, and goes out of Their way to ensure no-one else pay for them. The difference is vast.

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 08:22am (EST) Remove Comment

..excellent post BR... (and thank you) ..i especially found the section regarding submissives...and the control that is exhibited by them in their day to day lives...i agree with the author...if a submissives personal life is in disarray, then giving power to a Dominant is only a sign that they are looking for someone to make the confusion of their lives better....its is not a gift!...*hugssss BR*..

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 04:07pm (CST) Remove Comment

wonderful post sister, good points to remember always in all areas of any releationship before venturing deeper. one thing i always think about is if they love themselves, by this i mean not the ego but do they take care of themselves. if they are slobs well then to me they dont much love themselves. looks arent everything nor are clothes but their health and physical care of themselves is important to me. all else i do agree with .. thank you again .. have a wonderful evening sister .. talk with you soon .. hugs n love to you ..

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 05:09pm (CST) Remove Comment

Well it has always seemed logical to me that if One can't control One's own life, then how can One possibly claim to be able to control anothers! Surely they can only deliver what they already have?

As for subs... a mess of disarray wrapped in a few submissive-sounding pretty words is hardly a gift worthy of giving; tidying it up a little first would always seem adviseable before trying to get someone else to take responsibility for it

Of course as an alpha female, i tend more toward the idea that submission is a prize to be earned and won..never did buy into that whole gift thing..mainly on account of being able to take it back..*smiles* but maybe that's just me...*lol*.

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 11:19am (EST) Remove Comment

I'm working very hard to earn My prize. Luckily I generally share the same views as The blonde and believe Y/you have to have Y/your own shit together before Y/you can be either D or s. I also think an alpha sub is the only way to go as I've said before.

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 01:31pm (EST) Remove Comment

A very good blog blonde raven.

A major difference I see in r/l over o/l is that in r/l You have to financially support Your sub. If You can't support Yourself how are You going to be able to support two of Y/you?

I've heard that there are so called o/l Doms that get their subs to buy their OWN collars. How pathetic is that?

Or worse still. Some others get their subs to send them the fares so that they can come and visit.

Come on so called Doms pull your head out of your arses and look at the real world. You're not a Dom unless You can support Yourself and Your sub.

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 02:12pm (EST) Remove Comment

lol... looks up at scroll... nods in agreement with the Aussie Doms!....No mucking about with You Men huh? .. notes All r/l and none living with Mum!!!

Good point on collars Snow Sir.. i have also heard that.. and yet so simple to put even a length of pretty ribbon in an envelope and post it if o/l or long distance relationship (LDR).. after all, it is supposed to be His collar.. not hers..*lol* and collars need not be expensive.. ribbon is only about $1-50 a metre and if He can't manage that...well.......

And as for the one who claims r/t 24/7 yet the sub only sees him if she pays for the airfare (guess his mum can't afford it) ... oh puh-leeze *rolls eyes* ... sheer fantsy land!

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 04:37pm (EST) Remove Comment

Good advice and points to consider here sis* ... it would seem many feel that a Dom heart or mind is enough.. well anyone could quack that.. but His actions, His reality.. they are the things to examine closely. A Dom heart and mind is about control of self, own life and then and only then, the life of another. So M/many seem to miss this very basic point!

Is she in control of her life.. or a jumbled mess looking for someone else to clean it up? There's a word for that and it isn't submissive!

Good points to ponder!

But of course, if all one wants to do is play then none of this matters. Playing at D/s is fun too and should be encouraged to add a little spice... *smiles

As for a Dom living with his mum... sorry... no way..*lol*..a little more independence is required for this girl!

Wednesday January 24, 2007 - 05:53pm (EST) Remove Comment

hmmm, this hits on some seriously interesting points. I've always thought that if your life is in chaos and beyond your control, then you shouldn't enter into any sort of "romantic" relationship, D/s or not.

Tuesday January 23, 2007 - 11:21pm (PST)
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