Sunday, June 21, 2009

D/s: Mentoring Online and Real Life

What is a Mentor?

What is a Mentor? magnify

There seems to be an 'online' tendency for subs to approach Dom/mes with a request for 'mentoring'. It is essential that before such a request is made, the sub is clear about:


1)what she requires specifically from mentorship,

2)what the role of a mentor actually is,

3)what qualifications, skills and knowledge the Dom/me approached genuinely has to offer if advice and information is to be relied upon.

A Dom who has a sub who is agreeable to Her Master mentoring others is the ideal situation, if both Dom and sub are skilled they have much to offer a novice.

A Dom without a sub may be somewhat suspect. O/one assumes that is they have much to offer they would have that validated by one who has trusted the Dom in a power exchange situation. In this event it would be helpful to speak to the Doms past submissives.

ROLE OF A MENTOR

The term "Mentor Dom-mentored submissive" is a dynamic where the Dominant is interested in and has input into the submissive's overall (including vanilla) life, emotional wellbeing, interactions with others etc.

The Mentor Dom is a wise and trusted teacher or advisor. Importantly, like a ‘Protector’, a Mentor is Hands OFF.

A Mentor does NOT have cyber with his or her mentoree...that's not his/her role..

"A mentor is a teacher, a counselor, a friend and a disciplinarian at times, but mostly a teacher.

It takes a lot of patience and dedication to take the responsibility of mentoring. Yes, it is a huge responsibility. There is no such thing as part time mentoring. You must always be accessible.

It is hard work and takes a truly patient and knowledgeable person" A mentor can be either Dom or sub

As far as what a mentor is and what is to be expected (and there are expectations), a mentor must be experienced and knowledgeable, in the areas in which advice and information is offerred/provided, trustworthy and brutally honest.

What is spoken between you and your Mentor is confidential.....and should NEVER be spoken about outside of yourselves...

Know your limitations as a mentor. Say you don't know something when you don't know it. And if you don't know. then offer the person you are mentoring a way to find the answers....When you do know something, share it.....don't be shy.....how else can they learn."

Unless you are willing and able to do all the things described above, then you should be a friend. A supportive friend, but don't take on the responsibility of a mentor.

Many people are not cut out for it and can do more harm than good.




In a Little More Detail:

A Mentor wants to know about all the aspects of the submissive's life, and will seek to find ways to support the submissive to grow and thrive as a whole person, not merely within the D/s role they occupy. Eg: the Mentor Dom may devise exercises for the submissive to do aimed at improving their self-esteem, or motivating them positively.

The Mentor Dom may offer advice and in some cases give directions on vanilla relationships the submissive has, or interactions between the submissive and other people, especially if those relationships are causing stress or anxiety to the submissive. He or she may support the submissive undertaking education or training, making career moves, organising their household...any number of things which affect the submissive's overall happiness and wellbeing.

As with all D/s contracts, the Mentor Dom-mentored submissive role can cover - or exclude - anything which the parties wish to be a part of, or exclude from, their D/s dynamic together. For example, a contract may specify that the Dominant controls and guides the submissive on everything except the submissive's role as a parent to his or her children. Or his or her employment. Or any number of other things for which the submissive may need to retain their independent decision-making powers.

The Mentor Disciplinarian - is concerned with providing support to their submissive in the sub’s undertaking of real life tasks, such as the completion of work assignments, or study tasks. The Mentor Disciplinarian may establish deadlines for the completion of steps towards the selected goal, and will monitor the submissive’s progress throughout. A submissive may find themselves unmotivated to do things which he or she needs to get done within their vanilla life, and looks to the Mentor Disciplinarian to be a person who cares about their success or failure, who will provide a kick in the pants if needed, or with whom the submissive feels an obligation or desire to please or gain approval from by achieving the goals that the Dominant has set. (#NZBDSM 1998)


Comments

(14 total) Post a Comment

This has been very helpful... ty for sharing it...~ruhamah~

Wednesday January 31, 2007 - 08:59am (EST) Remove Comment

I was once approached by a PMer with "how do you train your subs?" I had no idea what to tell her as I have not ever done so. So after a small discussion, I explained to her that I was not prepared to be a mentor to anyone, and she took it quite harshly. To this day, I'm unsure why she was angry, but after reading your blog I know more than before that I wasn't prepared to do as she had asked. Thank you very much for your blogs, raven. I greatly enjoy reading and learning from them.

Wednesday January 31, 2007 - 09:37am (EST) Remove Comment

great info blonde..thanks

Wednesday January 31, 2007 - 09:46am (EST) Remove Comment

Great post blonde, as usual. i noticed, nowhere in this post does it say, the submissive should sit on the lap of the Mentor. i'm surprised, as i've seen some submissives stating they have a protector/mentor..and sitting on their lap.

Thanks!!

Wednesday January 31, 2007 - 06:53am (PST) Remove Comment

The Protector and the Mentor roles are both very clearly a hands off positon.. the role is quite different from that of a Dom or Master with which one has a contract for training, or with whom the sub is developing a longer tern relationship. Note these are long term commitments, i am NOT discussing dungeon games, clubs etc.

Thursday February 1, 2007 - 03:03am (EST) Remove Comment

i wrote a blog about my Mentor and what He means to me and Oour roles together back in October…and thought i would share a couple of highlights of how it is for me personally…

i’ve had my Sir Bob in my life now for a year and it’s been wonderful, interesting, scary and probably the most profound growth year of my life…

my Mentor is specific with His teachings…but what He gives me, and supports me with is merely a “guide”…a fundamental guide to how i am expected to behave…He keeps me fulfilled with tasks and direction…but shall only for me until i meet a fitting Master {as previously agreed}.

It is only until then that my Sir will pass on His metaphoric torch {so to speak} to this specific Dominant Man and Master that i will become for, and He in turn then “trains” me to “His” specific needs…oh good Lord i hope i make sense…

He is completely hands off…no lap dancing like i see online at all…Wwe are not completely formal…because well…it’s just not always possible in the real world. i don’t always find myself at His feet every time He sits down…Wwe live and be, and i follow under strict understanding of my position…there is not a lot of the online protocol in what i am learning…because it’s just not heard of in the old school ways... {not with Him, or the community of His likewise Ffriends anyways}

my mother made mention at one time {curious of Oour relationship} that Sir is always watching me…well, that’s His role. He is forever noticing my actions and behaviours…and then in the privacy of our time, He reinforces my good bahaviour, and helps me to understand my not so good bahaviour…but regardless of…He is always there to build my self-esteem...to teach me focus. Most times i have gone above and beyond His expectations and we discuss that as well…

Wwe talk all the time…all the time...and what we talk about is quite profound and imperative to me…

there is so much more i can say but my head is so not thinking so clearly this morning...thanks Blonde...this is a great writing!

Wednesday January 31, 2007 - 10:10am (PST) Remove Comment

Once again, well done my blonde friend!

Now not being one to not put my own two cents worth in: addressing what Rev mentioned above. Some subs (I have noticed) want to take a Mentor because it fulfills a number of things for them. Firstly they get a "pseudo-Master" - I like to call them the Claytons Master (to non Aussies, Claytons is a non-alcoholic mixer that you add to soda-water, kind of like your lemon, lime, and bitters. In this country it was marketed as "the drink you have when you are not having a drink). They get a Dom watching over them and all of the benefits that go with that. In the case of online-only subs they get a Master who has no claim on them but who they can get the food for the majority of their submissive feelings from. They also get the benefit of having the "protection" from being courted by other prospective Doms. The mark of the Mentor is on them, so it looks like they are "taken". A bit like the girl who wears a wedding ring when she is single, or always goes out in the company of gay guys so other guys don't try hitting on her when she is out partying. It's almost a perfect world for them - they get their feelings of submissiveness fed plus it's "hands off boys, I am taken" by proxy.

Of course, (hopefully) most subs don't have a Mentor for this reason, but it's something that Doms should keep in mind. And Rev, it may explain the reason this "sub" got angry with you when she was "rejected" by you. Then again, I would question her true motives if reacted like that. Very suspicious in my book.

Cheers.

Thursday February 1, 2007 - 09:16am (EST) Remove Comment

well said Doms!!! mentor sometimes i suspect i not so much about a desire to learn as a desire to be attached - a public declaration of ' see, i am valued and have someone' ... i hear also that some 'Mentors' use the term for a bit of cyber.. no this would be such a no-no.. 'will you be my mentor' and ' yes i will 'cos i know lotsa things" is not shorthand for wanna cyber baby! Such would demeen the role of true Mentors and places a sordid and incorrect connotation on the true nature of such a relationship.

Further such behaviour would be exploitative and very, very naughty.. *hand on hip..wags finger*

Thursday February 1, 2007 - 01:24pm (EST) Remove Comment

Well done blonde. A good blog. I especially liked the reiteration that a Mentor is HANDS OFF and not a term to satisfy a fantasy.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 12:55am (EST) Remove Comment

..once again, another well~thought out and presented article...thanks for all you do blonde.. *smiles ..and quick hugs*..

Thursday February 1, 2007 - 10:15am (CST) Remove Comment

I had a mentor (Dark Desires) who stated quite clearly to me that he was my mentor not my dominant BUT he let me sit on his lap and he played with me on occasions but never actual rp/cyber per se. I don't think that makes him a bad mentor.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 02:07am (GMT) Remove Comment

I should add that he did teach me a lot too.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 02:07am (GMT) Remove Comment

Hands on *ahem*.. and óther things'on ... is generally more in the 'Trainer"category.. perhaps i will post on that too... just to get the distinction clearer.. it is good that your experience was helpful and positive oh so.. *smiles*

Friday February 2, 2007 - 04:03pm (EST) Remove Comment

have I mentioned how much I appreciate all you teach me.

Friday February 2, 2007 - 11:06am
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